journal d'une transition

387

We go to the Hospital; we have to wait a long time; Diane is only examined, and the operation is scheduled for Friday: 3 days to wait… While we were there, another fight broke out at “Amba Gardens” with Ram Singh and the SAS watchmen; the Guard was called, and Craig was badly hurt and taken to the hospital… And this morning also, Willy died, in Jipmer… … I don’t know… I can’t say that, yes, I want to live with Diane; and so, I can’t say anything…! I love her companionship, her aspiration, her quality; I love the friendship we have, her eyes, her comprehension… But she is not the full woman for me. I need beauty too, the power of care and beauty, not as of an empty shell, but as an expression of the soul…: I can’t help it! … Diane went on her own to “Dana” this evening; she ended up with a drunken Coop at “Auroson’s Home” and returned very late, confused… *30-6-1981, Auroville: Both Ramalingam and Barbara come and have lunch with us here. I run down to the beach, where Diane meets me later. Little by little, the days fill up with a progressive routine of physical exercise: the early morning work-out at “Last School”, the running, the swimming… … We’re having an early dinner at “Auromodel”, as Diane has been hungry; she tells me then of another letter she has received from Jean, urging her to get rid of me; that I am an adverse being sucking her up, and she must secretly use the mantra to free herself from my clutch… This from an Aurovilian! I keep silent… … I started to walk back… Ojha gives me a lift part of the way, in his car…! … I feel I must withdraw from all relationships, including the one with Diane. This thing dogs me, always, and Diane falls prey to it; I can’t blame her… *1-7-1981, Auroville: We have to go again to the Hospital for some tests; it is at once awful and funny; we are both feeling rather lost and poorly, and that scene loosens our tensions and we begin to laugh and to talk freely again and to tell each other what we have been through, the questions we each had… and how to choose in the truest way…

*4-7-1981, Auroville: We haven’t gone back to the Hospital. We kept quiet about it and went on with the daily life…

*8-7-1981, Auroville: I am making an effort to reorganise the house so that Diane’s needs are taken care of; today I purchase a small gas stove and a small gas cylinder; I am apprehensive about the mechanics of this domesticity and what these may engender, but it seems like a positive step at the moment… … Diane and I have been working at Matrimandir with G.M in the afternoons, but it remains, so far, a little tedious… … Today someone asked us, on the road, if this was our first visit to Auroville…! I guess that is somehow how we feel these days…