journal d'une transition

389

People call me names; they say I am an “asura”; that I haven’t “surrendered”, that I am a danger… But they cherish more their own images than the real knowing… Morals ride on top of everything here… … Diane comes to pick up her things; it is distressing… She says she is following her own need… I do not ask any questions. … But tonight I feel the urge to go to her, at “Auromodel”, knowing this is her last night there. I find her there. We stand outside a long time. She has tried to “cut”; she didn’t reach anywhere; but she had needed to know for sure, within herself, what to do, because of the child… I feel rather as if she had thrown her feminine energies around me like a net, all this time, awaiting this opening, and now here she is… She wants to tell me that she has not played against me, that she has continued to believe in our relationship… And then G.M comes, to insist that Diane and I ought to move to “Dana” and he and Marcia would move here… To show… what? That I am willing to relinquish, to let go of… my own universe? To assuage Diane’s fears? To be “one of them”? *16-7-1981, Auroville: Gradually I begin to trust again my love for this place and my need to go on growing with it, making it like a living poem dedicated to the Presence… … This afternoon I walk over to Matrimandir for the general meeting; Diane comes there with Marcia, and both sit with me… … Later Barbara asks to have tea with Diane and me here; she is very concerned with Diane’s possible decision, but in this she mixes her own uncertainty and I don’t know that it helps very much…! … Nath arrives, straight from France, simple and fresh, a sweet little being… … Diane and I talk till late, with a slow intensity, trying to understand… Yes, perhaps I am not human enough, perhaps I am not meant to touch people too long, perhaps it is I who should leave Diane… I must ask…! *17-7-1981, Auroville: While running down to the beach, it all became a little clearer, and I felt happier: I felt my way to give of myself to the child who is coming, to share in the process and follow it with Diane, letting her be free in her own rhythm; we would build something together for her…! And Diane was already on the beach, waiting, brooding, heavy with all the contradictions, all these formations, from all these “pure Aurovilians” who want her to cut away from me, who threaten her they will turn away from her if she doesn’t… … I walk alone over to “Utility” and stay with Krishna there; he is like a child, so absorbed and engrossed in his experience there… *15-7-1981, Auroville: When I walk home tonight, I find… Pnina, awaiting me!

*19-7-1981, Auroville: