journal d'une transition

381

The entire day there is this Pressure: the whole being, the whole body feels it, constant; and beyond, or deeper than the strain of it, there is gratitude… … I am about to go to bed, it is late; Diane and P.M come in to tell me the news: it has begun! Our case has come up, and it will be heard again tomorrow; the Judge has already shown some anger at the SAS, and things seem to be moving decisively… After they have left, I experience two successive “attacks”: it comes from behind, like a mass falling on my back and shoulders, in that intermediate zone… It takes two hours; I sit up, waiting, till the passage is cleared… This is tough! *8-5-1981, Auroville: The Pressure remains all of today. There is calm, but also a sense of precariousness. This evening, the news comes that, at the last moment, Nariman was found and has been able to give a full blast of a speech which has somehow saved the situation, and the Court has taken a decision that involves the lifting of the Injunction… Cl.A and Savitra express great enthusiasm over the phone… But here I feel something is still blocked, and there remains much tension… … Arjun just had a spectacular fall from his motor-cycle, but he got away with a scratch or two only… We decide to all meet at Kamala’s, where he has gone to rest and recuperate… It is truly good with Arjun and we are both, I think, happy to be close to each other – for surely we have been that close in “the past”…! … Diane has been staying at Al.B’s house in “Auromodel” while he is away. Tonight I try to stay there with her, knowing it would be difficult, given the formations AL.B holds against me… And it is, indeed, difficult! We each have nightmares, repeatedly, heavily loaded and quite disgusting… When I am fairly sure she will be alright, I decide not to insist and leave her there, and drive back home… … Sometimes I feel like a musical instrument: being tried, and left alone, and tried again, and left again – some blows, some touches, silence, some tuning, and blankness… … A lot of attention has come lately on the issue of income-generating activities in Auroville, as well as personal income, and the challenges implied for the true growth of Auroville; our team is attempting to formulate a position, a collective stand… … Krishna has dinner with Diane and me at “Auromodel”… *11-5-1981, Auroville: Douce Mère, il n’y a pas de limites à l’intensité ou à l’expansion de ce besoin… ce besoin de la Présence, ce besoin que CE SOIT… et dans ce besoin est la seule force vraie… … This evening Diane comes back to make peace. As people are still listening to Your Agenda, here in the house, we go out for a walk; we end at the amphitheatre, sitting under the stars, facing the sphere, tranquil… And the rain starts, slowly at first, then more densely, gentle and *9-5-1981, Auroville: “All self-consciousness must be replaced by the consciousness of the Divine…”