journal d'une transition

380

*3-5-1981, Auroville: There is so much directed against our living together, coming from others; and on my side I can see that, perhaps – being true to myself – I do not really wished to be… fixed, or defined, by living in the one and same place together… … Myrtle comes to see me. She notes that Diane has stayed here last night, and she has a little face, suffering; and I feel so close to her, and sad… The way we are made, the way we function, the way our substance is arranged, organised… how can anything be true…? … Before going to bed, I have to wake up Yel for the night-watering of the garden, and I stay with him a moment: his quiet sweetness, simple… *4-5-1981, Auroville: We had planned to bring some of Diane’s things into C’s house today. She comes late, depressed. She has got a letter from Jean saying that she and the others in the Coop are all under the influence of a force that is acting through me… I can never be sure, Mother, that I am not simply bringing more difficulty into Your Work… … Upon returning from our work in Pondy, seeing Diane’s state, I decide to ask Arjun and P.M to request every one who feels that way about me either to find someone to replace me and take up the work I am doing, or else to accept that Diane and I are together… But both refuse to even consider my withdrawing from the Coop… So I am left rather confused…! *6-5-1981, Auroville: We have a misunderstanding today: Diane is late, very late; I leave alone and drive to Cuddalore and do the work there; when I return to Pondy, Diane is there, angry – she had come the moment after I’d left -, and I am angry too. And I feel quite lost: without it flowing with her, I find myself unrelated, as if she was my “door” to Auroville, to its collective dimension, and then I want to pull out… I come home, wanting to be alone. And Krishna comes! And together we close one spiral, and are ready for the next, quietly; it is open, it feels real… Huge masses of black clouds drive down the sky from the North, a puissant wind rises, stirring up columns of red dust from the ground, and a huge rain breaks out… I go out to shut all the windows in C’s house; faintly, through the tumult, I hear Diane’s bike riding in; I receive her out on the porch; fully soaked, we embrace… She had tried to resolve to take a distance from me… and here it has just melted… … This is a dead end. People won’t let us be. They keep throwing on her the same formations; she carries them in; we both go under it…! There is hate, there is jealousy – I think, because people do not examine themselves sufficiently… We meet; we let go, we give in… Why? I don’t know… Our bodies at least can find their rhythm together. It probably does not make things easier, but it is a sweet part of the balance…!

*7-5-1981, Auroville: