journal d'une transition

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etc… This is more often like a jungle, and we go on inflicting pain, dividing and hurting… for whose sake?! But it is alright among us, and I felt that Fred was rather surprised to find this solidity in our team… … Diane and I go down to Pondy for some more work, and for her bike to be fixed, and also to let go and have a little break: we have dinner and beer! I part from her at “Aspiration” and come home tonight to find Yel waiting for me, tender and open… *11-3-1981, Auroville: I concentrate on completing this list the whole day. Barbara comes to re-order all my files. Diane comes to have dinner with me here. I don’t know what the near future holds, but I sense that there is a lot in the balance right now and the path is obstructed again, in a subtle way: a kind of bouncing effect where the basis was not sufficiently true… … My dreams are very detailed, these nights, and very interesting, showing many different influences at work – and not all of it is pretty…! *13-3-1981, Auroville: For some days now I couldn’t find G.M; there was some interference again. And the few times Diane and I went over to “Dana”, he was not there, he’d gone to “Sharnga”, or… And today Cl.B comes to me on his behalf, to ask for the “Dana” money, which I always bring myself, and her tone and manner are such a statement…! I feel lost… Diane stays near me… I go, then, over to “Dana”, to see G.M myself, but he is away. I leave him a note. … Diane helps me: by her presence, she brings perspective. Then she leaves. I fall asleep, and wake up in the middle of the night, and it is very difficult: there is a formation of such negativity, of such utter rejection – negating, actively negating, with no way out… It is the most frank and undisguised attack I have ever experienced so far… That thing which has dogged me since birth… I felt I couldn’t make it… It was so… tangible! But one thing has helped me: it is the sense, the comprehension, that if I had no ego left in me, this simply couldn’t touch me, it just couldn’t… And so, in that way, it all makes some sense! Do I have to loose my friendship with G.M too? I don’t know! In this life every relationship that has mattered has been attacked, and I can’t blame anyone! It is so strong! *14-3-1981, Auroville: I was still under shock this morning. But I wanted to be very gentle with everyone I would meet: it is in these moments that one knows the only way forward is in one’s capacity to “love”… … At the Bank today, there is Mir B, her face a mask of sickening hatred… *12-3-1981, Auroville: The Pressure is powerful, and there is like a cry in the body…; is it the nerves? I don’t know… And yet there seems to be calm, and there is gratitude, constantly, gratitude for the Grace…