journal d'une transition

336

Yet I am also aware that to expect this sort of free, mutually conscious sharing from all of us is probably unrealistic, and practically impossible… I offer to go with G.M and speak for him. We find Ed at the workshop; it is intense; I explain to him how we have always proceeded so far, and I ask him to look at the ease with which he came to the conclusion that G.M could be a “thief”, or me, for that matter! He wants to apologise, but I tell him this isn’t the point, there is a more important necessity there…! I wonder if this is how narrow-mindedness and lack of depth so often get to preside over key positions in any organisation… … At dinner Jacq sits with me; she tells me that Kiran has decided to wait in Pondy for the return of Navajata from England and to talk to him; that she is now determined… … I am disturbed by my own affectivity, my “emotional needs” – which obscure and distort perception: a shrinking, a smallness of being… *5-8-1980, Auroville: Annappa is depressed: he’s just received through a friend some alarming news of his family, and he doesn’t know what to do… … People have been asking to listen to the tape of Your Agenda when You speak to Satprem of the purpose of Auroville. G.M and I set up the equipment in the back room of the office. We listen to You explaining how Auroville, the very effort to create Auroville, may balance the fallacy of the nations arming themselves more and more and even to some extent neutralise the effects of such a disastrous orientation… And it is as there is no time gap and You are speaking directly to the moment, now itself… Yet at the end I feel uneasy, and I am not sure why… I have the need as if to break away from a spell: what people do, with their minds, of Your straight and simple words, this adaptation of Your words to fit the patterns of one’s thinking… I have the impression that most people, even here, do not listen to You with their inner substance and experience, but with their minds, and it becomes narrow and superficial… … Toine’s brother has died this morning in Coimbatore, in a weird situation, after having fasted 45 days following the instructions of some guru-doctor there… Ponnu and Kan are going to meet Toine there, with Meenakshi… *6-8-1980, Auroville: Cl has been feeling increasingly unhappy and suffocated in the atmosphere of “Fidelity” and wanting to leave… because of the relationships there and the overwhelming character of neglect and dirtiness, as in a slum. G.M and I have encouraged her to speak her mind, to be frank about it with her neighbours there (P.E and S and their children and M and hers), for it is important in itself, for the whole area. So, today, she tries and talks to S, who replies to her that she can do whatever she wants and Auroville belongs to nobody, meaning that nobody has the right to tell her how to live… And here comes the clinch: she aims at me! She declares that she knows, from Ina and from SSJ, that You had forbidden me to be in Auroville… So! Once I am alone again, I let this sink in, with all its unsettling questioning; I see myself through those formations: this image of “me” with a whole house and a whole garden to myself, a team of men at my bidding, taking “power trips” on