journal d'une transition

334

*30-7-1980, Auroville: Marcia, G.M, No hand I drive down to “Auromodel” and join the others there to watch and guard the ploughing of all the fields that the SAS is claiming through Ram Singh; he has gone to get the police and they soon arrive in large numbers, but they let us continue with the ploughing. There are many of us, some just quietly watching or talking; others are sowing the seeds in the furrows… Some of the talk veers again on the roles and attitude assumed increasingly by M.D and Nicole who behave, it seems, as if they alone had the “true consciousness”… The same old scheme and script, with different actors…! The police tell us that up to 10 SAS cars had come to the Station to pick up Jyotiprem, their “hero” – when 35 of them had beaten Patricia with sticks and torn her clothes, an unarmed single woman… What is this?!!! What spirituality is that? … Perhaps, seeing what I do not want, I become more aware of what I do want? I feel a great urge not to get eaten up by whatever is happening, to re-source myself, to be freed from any influences… I look carefully, and I don’t think there is any hatred in me; a kind of disgust, yes, and sometimes anger, or something akin to wrath, but no hatred… Words like “pure” and “sincere” have been so… used…! Oh, to be simple, to be one…! And every time Someone, an ‘Avatar”, has taken a body, this has happened, this dangerous illusion, this misuse, this betrayal… … Near the Samadhi, I talk with Amal Kiran a little; I respect his point of view. But we are alone, I think. And we must walk without fear and without reservation, honestly, in simplicity… *31-7-1980, Auroville: Late in the night, two parallel dreams struck me with the intensity of the emotion they carried. In one, Th and Shradhavan and two others were stopped on the road near here, where the casuarinas grow, and I came upon them there and had to pass them to reach “our people”… And I was at once in a state of need, the NEED TO LOVE, and I wanted to communicate that need to them, there was an intense inner weeping… In the other dream, Jorgen and Vera have come to the house where we are staying, G.M and I, determined to avenge themselves, to take it over, to throw us out… But, as Jorgen comes closer, he is deeply overcome by a completely different feeling, a sort of great attraction towards us and a movement to drop the whole thing and be with us again, to love and to flow in that tenderness… I meditate on what those dreams mean for me, in terms of choice, of my participation to the “actions” that are more or less collectively elected, along with the rhetoric… And it all leads to… love… “Love” being the closest word available: a force, an awareness that does not reject or ever seeks to eliminate, but has the power, the discerning and loving power to see and lead every element to its true place and function within the whole… And I realise that, within me, this is an orientation that is becoming more and more constant…

*2-8-1980, Auroville: Last night, while asleep, my body shifted precisely 90° so as to lie straight along the North South axis… Why now?