journal d'une transition

316

… We’re called down: Tess has flipped again; we come to his house: Dennis, P, Pas and M.L are holding him, waiting for us… There is no way but for us to take him to Jipmer Hospital… Gillian says “I tried my best”. We spend hours in that monstrous and absurd but necessary place… It is humorous, confused and tense, open, groping; we feel at times lost and at times supported; sometimes Tess has flashes of lucidity; he remembered on the way that the electricity bill must be paid!... Then we have to do the paper work and run here and there for money to cover the costs of his stay in the Hospital… There is, in this story, a connection to tantrism, to Panditji; it would seem that both Gillian and Tess had opened to it and that havoc followed; but she is clearer within herself, and there is with her recognition… … We have one thing only: the need of You – You directly, You immediate, You, only You…! Let others elect their intermediaries, and proceed in their wisdom towards the goals of their understanding… We want You; we find meaning in You alone…! *22-5-1980, Auroville: I send for Tess’s worker, a gentle fellow, who is still under the shock of Tess’s behaviour. I tell him to continue his work and that we’ll take care of his wages… … Pala comes back from Jipmer, very uptight, and calls me down from work; she wants to talk… She has been too closely involved and part of the mess; she agrees that neither Tess nor Gillian should come back for some time and that their house must be cleaned and cleansed and that neither big J nor her boys should come there anymore… She doesn’t want to go back alone to Jipmer to bring their things to Gillian and Tess, so I decide to drive her there; G.M is not happy with that, he wants we have nothing to do with Pala just now; finally he says he will come with me and we two will take their things with us… Then only we become a little happy again! On our way, G.M tells me of an interesting little experience Marcia had yesterday: when she saw me first, she saw that half of my face was Krishna’s! And only then she saw the bruise around my eye and immediately understood I’d had a fight with Krishna, but didn’t dare ask me… When we reach Jipmer, we find that both Gillian and Tess have run away early – probably just after Pala had left? I feel quite silly: G.M was right in his reluctance to get involved, and I am ashamed to have kind of forced him into it… He teases me gently… In so many ways we help each other… … While I am preparing dinner, Christiane comes to me, very tender; she wants to share more with me; she says she’s felt me to be on the edge of my endurance lately and she wishes to help… Hervé too is very gentle… … Pala comes to see me: Gillian has returned, letting Tess go on his own; she

realises that she too has to move away for a while… … There is no current; we serve at candle-light…

*23-5-1980, Auroville: This afternoon Ar. asks me to come to Tess’s house: R comes along, and P, Dennis, Pala, Christiane and Hervé are there; soon Gillian joins us. I concentrate to be free of all the emotional charge; Dennis and I make it clear to Gillian that she must telegraph Tess’s parents in Australia, contact Ajit as well, and get two plane tickets