journal d'une transition

317

sent urgently for Tess and her; also that she must go to Madras and look for him and keep him there till the tickets come… … Ramalingam comes to see G.M and I: he wants to marry a girl against her family’s will and plans to take her away next week, marry her in another place, and bring her to Auroville; and he asks us to find them a place to live…! *24-5-1980, Auroville: Several people have asked for a “Centre organisation meeting” to be held at the house here: Dennis, Bill S, D.W and Sally, Ruud, Jossie, Noh, John H, Jacq, Pas, all gather here and I make tea for everyone… The general feeling is that a few of us should be given the responsibility for admission in the Centre area and in the Kitchen, and for contributions… Both Jacq and Bill S ask again that the men who take care of “Sincerity” (tend the garden, fill everybody’s water tank, etc) should stop eating in the Kitchen… I have consistently opposed this move in the past, but now… I can’t help thinking I might as well stop eating there too… But then, if I cut myself off from the “collective” life, I should also withdraw from the “Envelopes” as the Centre representative…! … There are these moments when inner tears well up in me… Sometimes it is a terrible sense of my incapacity to love… There are so many beings – people – here, whom I am unable to turn to with love, even with tenderness…! *25-5-1980, Auroville: In the middle of the night, I noted down a strange dream-experience, of a woman- divinity, a goddess, lodged within a mountain, fighting Death’s assaults with the sheer force of true consciousness. I then felt so… terribly lonely! Was it the need, the absence of a woman’s soul wedded to mine? There was this need to hold and be held, rightly and safely… I felt like searching for her to the ends of the earth… *26-5-1980, Auroville: Gl and Piero have returned from their journey. They show us two neat brochures, printed in New York, on this “twin” Auroville-city that Navajata has launched near Calcutta; there is also included a text on his new political party, “Auro-Congress’ with plenty of quotes from You and Sri Aurobindo and a constitution promising equal rights, equal justice and equal distribution of riches to all the people of the world… The plan of the city-to-be shows a “Transformation Tower” at its centre. They also distribute Your Blessings…! As for “our” Auroville, it is to host and shelter the Presidium of their new World-Government… They seem to have been getting quite some funding already, while here we struggle for a single bag of cement or a bundle of binding-wire…! … To crown it all, Yus now tells me that Narad, along with Patricia and F.Gr, have decided to split the Gardens from the Matrimandir and do separate fund-raising… Alright. I gaze at that near-emptiness with wonder and a kind of despair that is… the kind of acceptance veering to insanity…: everything feels so miserable! What does it mean that people like Navajata, using You the way they do, thrive and become successful…? I wouldn’t be bothered if there were sufficient balance and cohesion here…