journal d'une transition

312

*29-4-1980, Auroville: Last night I woke up shouting from a dense nightmare: adverse people were making a powerful intrusion here, with the intent to drive us out, to dislodge us, and I began to yell “c’est à la Mère… it belongs to the Mother… it is Yours, Mother…” again and again, till it became material and I woke up here… Ever since these deportation orders have been activated in the atmosphere, this goes on… And for me it has a personal meaning as well; it is not merely concerned with Auroville’s battling to be free of the SAS’s clutches, it also touches on the very formation that had sent me to hell for over 3 years, the formation that You had rejected me, condemned me, “for ever”…! And besides, insofar as one is open to the experience of “adversity”, this threat is bound to a sort of mechanical karmic return of the action we had taken towards the Jagdish’s group, pressuring them to let go of their “groupisme” and stance of exclusivism, or to leave… … Diane and I spend most of the day working together, first in Pondy – Consulate, Bank, Gas supply, and the FRO where they grudgingly admit to a stay Order, which they qualify as only for a fortnight – and later in the office here, filing letters and papers and doing correspondence… A few of us come to help; Diane is tired: she has hardly any space, in her present circumstances, to ever be by herself… *1-5-1980, Auroville: I am worried. Because I may have poisoned the relationship between Krishna and me by allowing desire to play, by allowing myself to desire. I want us to get past and beyond it, to have gained some understanding from this stage, but I have too much apprehension… … It comes to me that trust and true consciousness are inseparable, but in a way that our mentalised, divisive, guilt-ridden, driven and motivated physical consciousness cannot comprehend… *5-5-1980, Auroville: Everywhere one looks in Auroville today, there seems to be the question of lack of money. Pumps break down and cannot be fixed, wages are not paid, nor bills, housing is insufficient…; and for many months now the only newcomers to Auroville have been poor people, so that the burden has increased on the “collective”; in the Green Belt and in the farms it is the hardest – J.P and Colleen for instance, who work more than most of us, are not able to make it through the month… One may sense that this is all a matter of attuning to the right vibration so that the required energies will flow in, but one has better become able to practice it, one cannot merely “talk” about it…! There is a joy in channelling, in responding to needs, in steering the flow where it is most required for the whole… Whenever one is enabled to fulfil that function, even on a very small scale, it brings contentment: to relay and orient so that physical and material harmony may manifest… … Late morning, Krishna comes to fetch me at work… Along with G.M and Marcia, we come here and have lunch together… … I join Krishna in the evening, at his place in “Certitude”; the atmosphere in that community is so tense and tough and harsh; there is not enough water and people don’t look at one another anymore, it is all fragmented and Krishna is there, lost in