journal d'une transition

310

People often seem to believe that a “generous” nature will solve everything; this talk dries me up, it feels useless… But, later, we meet and it is tender and funny and sweet…

*22-4-1980, Auroville: The time has come to part from Pnina. She tells me that whatever she has said came from her love for me. I feel quiet, a little distressed underneath; she is a real person and a real woman; ready to give herself completely, yet she is not demanding… I respect her! … Diane comes to pick me up at the office and we drive down to Pondy, to the FRO… She feels secure now that I’m there with her for this work; the officers there insist that we must comply with the Governor’s invitation… We figure that he is trying to stay in power, with the support of the SAS, while covertly acting against Indira; we learn that the orders for our deportation have gone quite a ways, as all Court cases against the 8 of us have been “dropped” so that we could actually be thrown out of the country… … There is some anxiety; part of my mind has already worked out how I would run away and hide for some time, asking Noh perhaps to take care of the house and the work… It is ironic that at this very juncture I am getting involved with the Visas work for Auroville! There is the feeling that Diane and I can make a good team; beck in the office, we work for the rest of the afternoon with files and documents, with the help of Barbara and Rod… *23-4-1980, Auroville: Diane calls us down from the structure. She has received confirmation from Delhi that the Quit Notices have been cancelled; she has us read the letter of appeal that has been addressed to the Home Ministry: it is a strong and beautiful text… I feel grateful and a little ashamed too for having allowed my trust to be diminished, for not always clinging to the Grace… … G.M and I do our purchases in Pondy. We meet Pnina there; she wants and needs to tell me that she has been very confused by Krishna who, when she last saw him at the house, told her in his expansive way that, whenever she had been with me she had also been with him, that we were one… but with a particular meaning which left her feeling disoriented; she couldn’t take it and wanted me to know… Perhaps that is why he didn’t come to see me yesterday…? When I return home, Yel shows me what Krishna, who has waited all afternoon, has left for me: a beautiful leather cover he has made for my volume of the last Agenda… *24-4-1980, Auroville: We have to chase again the SAS hired men, this time from around the Pump- House. We collect the leaves and load them all and send them over to Vijay who needs them at his place. I talk to Narad about posting a watchman there to help Stream, on the Gardens budget since the main Pump is right there; he seems to agree, but wants me to talk to Patricia and F.Gr about it, as they want to hire two men already for their work at the Banyan tree; but I refuse: I do not wish to be submitted to that weird energy in F.Gr again; better to bring it up in our work meeting…