journal d'une transition

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Foreigners Registration Office along with the Inspector Thomas… And we soon learn that they have come… for me! They have orders to arrest me if I refuse to sign a Deportation Notice, instructing me to leave India within 15 days… It appears that the Madras Governor, Patwari, is disregarding the latest orders from Delhi to cancel all the “Quit Notices” that Navajata has been trying to push through, and may be acting on his own initiative… We are told that they have already gone to B.B and got him to sign… G.M tells me I better sign too; reluctantly I come down the structure and sign… Yus arrives. It seems that Patwari and the SAS have been quite irked by our refusal to go for these “Peace Talks” and have decided on this course of action as retaliation… The others on the list are Fred, Al.B, F, Hervé, Jean and Savitra… This is actually 4 years old already, and the reason given for my being listed at all is that… You have refused me! This part is what hurts me the most: that this lie is reaching up to the present day…! But there is nothing I can do, only trust, trust… And the carpenters are there, sitting under the tree day after day, waiting, waiting for us to be taken away… … I collect the monies around and go attend the “Envelopes” meeting in the office. Nothing has come from “Certitude”… I am learning about the different realities in Auroville… Diane, between topics, asks me whether I’d be willing to help her with the Visas work… I wonder aloud if I am presentable enough, and she laughs… This week is very bad, there is hardly enough money for the market, nothing for Green Work, not enough for milk or for wages… … I spend the evening with Krishna at his place. There is that confidence that there is no level of our awareness where we cannot communicate, that it is all open and safe and surely oriented… Whenever we touch a point, in him or in me, where we cannot yet share, it comes as a sweet challenge, to goad us to progress… … Krishna walks back with me, teaching me the Arab words for the different relationships to the Truth, to the Lord… *19-4-1980, Auroville: G.M suggested I should add glucose to the milk for the kittens, and it works! They won’t stop! But I am relieved: at least I fulfil one duty by Gauri! … Pnina is upset at the distance between us; it is true, I don’t seem to be able to relate to a woman, in this way she expects, in the daily life; I react to the sort of subtle environment a woman’s presence becomes, enmeshing, owning… It is You that I want, Your Presence that I want as an environment…! And a centre! Waiting for him in the office, Diane starts explaining to me the terms of the Visas work, its technicalities, its steps… She seems to feel relief not to do that work alone anymore… … The Collector arrives. Rod does the talking. It is amazing how much energy these people are expanding in order to trap us. The SP and the Tasilhdar have also come, all are trying to convince us… But our answer remains: “No”! … It is Pnina’s last evening here; tomorrow she goes away, to Pondy, to Bombay, to the Himalayas and then to Israel… She tells me that my blockage is an ego thing that prevents me from experiencing simple giving and receiving… I don’t know… *21-4-1980, Auroville: … The Collector is coming to meet us. But he is late.