journal d'une transition

308

There is the sense that, long, long ago on this earth – long ago but somehow in an eternal present – there has been a natural state in which inner guidelines and safeguards were conscious and living laws and people were able to develop without ever endangering the balance of things or to face the contradictions we have come to know, and material harmony was effortlessly maintained… When I made it into sleep, for an hour before dawn, it was to shift into a bad dream: there had been some betrayal and groups of very unpleasant people were entering all our houses… … Pnina prepares milk for the kittens before she leaves to go to Pondy… … P.G has just returned from Delhi; he tells us about Indira’s solitude before the magnitude of the task…; regarding Auroville, Indira has asked Kireet to prepare with M.D a full report so that she may reach her own decision… … Noh comes in a rush to ask us to help her get rid of “Auroculture” who has arrived once more with her “flower compost from the Samadhi”… When we reach there we have to deal with L.N who advocates her position with the same old “spiritual” arguments and it soon becomes so bizarre that we all end up in stitches, a general outburst of hilarity… … I went again cycling to Pondy and back. Then P comes to me wanting to know what had happened last night, as he’d had a peculiar experience: just a moment before I shouted, from the pain of Gauri’s bite, he’d woken up; he heard the shout and was plunged into a deep state; this was a cry of death in complete silence, and he felt the reality of death, as if in a second state… *17-4-1980, Auroville: Last night Pnina and I slept separately, so we each could rest… In the middle of the night, I dreamt of Gauri: I have gone out to look at the pond; it has been overflowing for long and it is now wet all around in the garden and the water of the pond has itself become very clear; Gauri’s body has risen and is gently floating; I approach, looking for something, a stick or a branch, to reach and hold it; slowly, with a kind of inevitability, it becomes animated and Gauri, like a somnambulist, moves out of the pond by herself and starts to walk away; I call her; I am amazed, but also grateful; I want to tell her something sweet and ask her about herself; she halts, comes back towards me; she tells me all the wrongs I have done in our relationship, the things I have done to her, betraying our connection, and how she has suffered and eventually become mad. But her tone is not at all dramatic; there is no heaviness in the scene, nor in her way of saying those things; it is also clear that she is aware of her own responsibility and that there is no rancour; there is rather a kind of clear sweetness about it… … I “think” of Gauri a lot, and review the life we have had: her confidence, her abandon, her presence; whatever anger I expressed, she always returned trustingly… … It rains, long, this morning… … Tonight I bury Gauri’s body in a small pot where I plant a hibiscus; I stay there alone, meditating and sending caring thought, welcoming thought, to her... *18-4-1980, Auroville: This was my first night of good sleep after so long! Pnina is full of questions, though. At first, I react; then, it becomes light and we laugh… Krishna comes to have breakfast with us… … It takes us some time to shake off the heaviness and get into the work; G.M and Marcia, Gl, Bill S, John H, Yamini, C.E., AnneM, Nina, Andy and Piero are there… Around 11 am we see a police van drive in, filled with police and people from the