journal d'une transition

202

in getting accurate points were due to a small difference in the positioning of the pillars…

*3-5-1979, Auroville: The heat is like a load of lead. Our corporeal reality makes me sad and depressed. Sometimes, especially when I have to stand in line at the Kitchen to fill our lunch tiffin (!), I can’t bear this substantial soup of flesh, uncleared sexualities, subtle subconscious smells and vibrations, bodies sweating, disharmonious, awkward – it is sometimes repelling to be human…! *5-5-1979, Auroville: Today we fixed the first precast beams in place. And it became self-evident: we are looking at a minimum of 5 full years of work just to install the space-frame…! Early morning we place all the gifts we have prepared for her in the room downstairs and call her in… C.E has made a most beautiful and vivid painting of You; there is a young plant of “Eternal Youth”… C has tears in her eyes… I love to make her happy…! In the evening C.E and I return with lots of jasmine garlands and fresh fruit and incense; E.B has prepared everything for dinner and Nat and Yel join us, it is all very calm and poised. At night, when C has gone to rest on the terrace, I play at the small harmonium for a long time – both C.E and C tell me later it had been like going to the discovery of a far-off land… *8-5-1979, Auroville: C’s need and will to progress has become so natural, constant and alive that it is a profound joy to be with her. I am grateful for knowing her, for the bond between us. And I appreciate and enjoy the rightness of her attitudes and responses, the harmony of her womanhood; I am proud of her and also a little awed… E.B has invited us for dinner at her place and I take C, leaving C.E here with the opportunity to relax and enjoy some solitude. I had also resolved to talk straight to E.B as she’s again been slipping into an affective demand towards me, but I didn’t have to: she was already upset with herself and blamed me for not warning her in time…! Despite her pain and distress, she wants to overcome the obstacle; she is open to the understanding that will help her to do so and she cares for our friendship to become truer… In the past such situations used to make me feel guilty and wanting to disappear… Now I seem to have gone a little way…! At night when we return, C.E tells me that Miriam had come looking for me…! *10-5-1979, Auroville: I feel an urge to concentrate, to re-examine everything, to make the choice anew. My mind wants to have a clear picture of the movement of progress and the other parts believe still that they cannot do without it… It all seems impossible. A true Mind, which does not operate through opposition and comparison, has yet to be established; but for that to happen, I need to open to more consciousness! *6-5-1979, Auroville: It is Sunday and it is C’s birthday!