journal d'une transition

184

sense myself so tremendously far from any possibility of becoming conscious! Yet when You also say that Sri Aurobindo experienced everything through consciousness alone… I believe I know what it means and it gives me confidence…! … This implacable movement of time, day after night, night after day, like a huge horse dragging us behind, with only one choice: to ride it or to be stunned and submit blindly… AT 8.30 am I reached Matrimandir and had to wait, no one was there yet. Then Th showed up but he didn’t want to do the platform, so we started on the new scaffolding. Later Andy and red P came, then a few more, seemingly as slowly as they could, almost reluctantly… P.G came only at 9.30 am; everyone was as heavy as could be, asking time and again for the same explanations, waiting to be pressed, pushed or pulled, and so on… I got rather bad-tempered, feeling quite ridiculous too, and lonely, in an absurd situation… I don’t understand whether this is all the Lord’s Will and I must grow more plastic so as to adapt to this constant variation, or else it is all nonsense and it is pointless to believe that Matrimandir will ever be built by us… I don’t know. I feel my own limitations concretely, but I also feel that most of us here seem to have lost the aspiration, and it is only that aspiration that could enable us to build it together, through all our differences, contradictions and distances… with a smile! Now it is gone. Will it ever return, developed and strengthened, in the same people? I yearn for the possibility to do it with people who are willing, but it seems to be impossible – those who at present would be willing are the ones who… who don’t understand, Mother, they only want to use You…! I’m sorry. I know this is all the mind still, but, Mother, I love Matrimandir, I want it to be manifest, with all that Beauty and Grace around it, that atmosphere of Truth which is ready, just behind the veil. But if I have faith in that world, in that atmosphere and in the Lord’s Will and Power, shouldn’t I trust and give up my demands and judgements and prepare myself for it as best I can? … Listening to Your music I saw a greenish golden shape, like a living transparent oval containing, or enclosing, a person’s face, similar to Yours when You wore the veil… *3-1-1979, Auroville: C.E shows me that the chrysalis I’d found on a leaf in the garden has opened up and a large black yellow-spotted butterfly has come out of it and is hanging immobile at the edge of the leaf, waiting for its organism to be ready for the first flight… It is impressive, this silent act, this waiting stillness in the metamorphosis from one state to another. It reminds me sharply of the wish You had expressed to go into a trance and wait for the other body to emerge, immobile and withdrawn for however long it might have taken; but they didn’t let You do it… Or else it is the Lord who saw a better way…!? *4-1-1979, Auroville: I cycled over to “Tapoloka” for the PT meeting; Myrtle came to me to apologise for not having spoken to me the last time… Cl.B sits with me… The last and main topic is the matter of the Coop accepting Shradhavan as one of its members, all the arguments for and against – the intensity of the choice to be made between the attitude of rejecting, reacting and identifying individuals with forces, with danger,