journal d'une transition

185

with poison and contradiction, and the other way, to trust the growth, to cling to That, to have faith in the material Divine, to give up fears and doubts… It is one of those few meetings that give their value to all the others, where each of us is asked to be at the best and the highest of oneself. There is wavering and attachment to the old way of condemn, and all these intricacies of ideals and arguments… And there is something else, the way to a real cohesion, strength and realisation… For once I speak up several times, as briefly and truthfully as I can… It is one of those instances when one can measure one’s individual progress and acquired balance and clarity of perception, as well as the collective progress, the light we are able to hold as a group, the degree of our opening. At one point, after a heavy thrust of negative questioning, it looks like this will just be one more attempt that fails; but somehow it straightens up again, alive, with perhaps a little deeper and firmer determination to follow the thread till we outgrow this climate of distrust and ambiguity… *5-1-1979, Auroville: … If we perceive this entire manifested world as the Lord, how can we ever ask Him to take possession of us? Are we then asking his highest Force and Consciousness to descend and fill His own frustrated physical being? *6-1-1979, Auroville: At break, Gl shared with me an odd piece of information: the mass suicide that took place in Guyana about two months ago – about 9OO people died. It actually happened on the 17 th of November. And they had all been repeating some mantra to the Universal Mother. Moreover the setting was in the very part of Guyana where Satprem had himself spent one year, long ago… *7-1-1979, Auroville: Last night my first dream was so difficult, that I woke up immediately after. There is a room representing the earth and someone in it is having an experience; this room is just like our little room upstairs; this person I am, but it is also a woman; she enters the experience about the earth: how, in what state it was created and for what… And I become anxious because someone is approaching from the outside and trying to see inside. I hide myself, holding the curtain, and going on living the experience, trusting in my integrity and the protection it gives me, until that person outside really tries to enter and starts pushing the curtain. It is an awful sensation, of such an extreme intrusion… I shout. And the scene tips over; there is only a man in an indifferent space… As I now write it down, I am aware of missing the sense of it… *8-1-1979, Auroville: … I can’t overcome this… As if someone or something had full right and power to ruin and demolish my dream of beauty… What is it? I want to be among people who are rich in their bodies, whose substance is coherent, inhabited, pulsating, warm and strong, whose eyes and smile say their soul’s love and nearness… O Mother, how crippled is the human fact…!