journal d'une transition

180

It rains heavily for a while and then the scaffold is too wet and slippery, we can’t work on it and there is a feeling of anticipation, or expectation of something to happen in these next few days… I walk part of the way back with P.G and, for once, rather than his usual monologues, we have some more natural and quieter talk. … But when I reach back here, I also step back into the void of the relationship with C.E as it now stands… I do not know how it is going to evolve: I’m fully aware of my impuissance. … In the afternoon, between silent stretches when we are both weaving, C.E. smiles like a kid who has returned after a big revolt: a bit sheepish, tender… He wants then to show me where he’d like to build his own unit: it is right next to the spot I had chosen for C…! … V comes in, while C.E is giving his French class, with a painting she has made just for us; it represents a leaf, made of three spheres, falling gently to the earth yet still invisibly held to its origin…

*13-12-1978, Auroville: What I still miss and need is this capacity of joy, this inner unshakeable trust. Instead I still go into self-destructive questioning of the very foundation of my being and reality and it only makes me very vulnerable…

*17-12-1978, Auroville: I cycle down to “Aspiration” to find Nicole, change the Agenda cassettes and see with her how to send FJ’s book (my father’s latest book) along with a letter from me to Satprem; I explain to her my “idea” about FJ meeting Satprem… (FJ and Satprem are of the same age, they both had a terrible experience when they were 20, they are both “progressive” seekers, each in their own way, and lovers of this world, each wanting to wrestle meaning from it, although in very different terms…) Nicole then talks to me of the changes in her, particularly since she came back from a stay with Satprem; that she now finds herself free from the “clan” and looking at things from another perspective… *18-12-1978, Auroville: I’ve got negativity again…! How can we build Matrimandir at a rhythm of mere survival? And what the hell are all those nice speeches for?! Where is the commitment, where is the sincerity, nay, the honesty of it all?! A sort of anger rises at the thought of those wonderful speakers, like Savitra and others, who gargle themselves with their words, criticise everyone else, understand everything, and never apply it in action!!! *19-12-1978, Auroville: At tea-break I say to F that really I don’t care any more where the money comes from, I just see that the “community” means nothing at all for now and I don’t want that they make of Matrimandir another unfinished structure going to the weeds… That if it stays too long exposed to the weather, much of the work will get spoilt, the steel attachments and parts of the concrete will be damaged, and I don’t want this to happen… … I see that C.E is in the garden preparing to join some hose-pipes to water the young trees and I react – what with the rain till yesterday it should be obvious to