journal d'une transition

179

change it, and this attitude of mine appeared clearly into the light; as I cycled down, I felt that it couldn’t be tolerated and also that, if I was faced with it in another person, I wouldn’t accept it… I went to Nicole to arrange about the cassettes of the Agenda – I have felt to offer to all those who wish to hear You to come twice or thrice a week to the house and listen together to the cassettes, and C.E was happy about it too… Later, I went over to “Revelation” to see Ar about his equipment and a notice to be posted, and see P.V about an amplifier; then P.G and H arrived there and it became confused, as P.G said the house here is too private and people will not feel welcome; I answered that there is no reason at all to see it as a private domain and that it is more appropriate than the Kitchen; his attitude altered then and it became alright and we’re now ready to announce it; it will take over a month to hear the 25 cassettes for the year 1961… *8-12-1978, Auroville: C.E tells me that he would like me to help him build his own unit here, because he cannot feel himself fully at home in our present arrangement where my own atmosphere dominates and he cannot behave as he would if he was on his own. I try to say that it is a matter of trust: that both our atmospheres can adjust if we really choose so, that it is not a thing of rivalry… Even though this problem is, I think, unreal at a deeper level of perception, it does play such a role in our lives that it can’t be ignored… I’d be ungrateful to now let myself go in depression; I love C.E too much to be egoistic: if such is the need he experiences, then it must be answered. But then he revealed to me that this very morning he had gone to Dan who had offered him to have his plane ticket to France, which must be used before the 12 th …! … Something in me is withdrawing. I refuse the insult that pain does to the love I feel… I don’t want this love to be crippled… I know nothing. I had believed we were both up to breaking through an illusion, that we both knew within that our togetherness was meant for that, for this breaking through… I feel deeply shaken and lonely. But I want to stand up; I shall not crouch and crawl under suffering anymore. I shall keep my love alive in the deeps of my heart, where it is secure in Your Presence. … We had the first session of the Agenda this evening, it lasted over an hour. Not everyone is able to follow Your voice, but most stayed till the end. I feel like I have suddenly been pulled back to the old ground, to the satisfied realism of the human condition… But… I want to be what the Lord wants me to be. I want to live what He gives me to live… *9-12-1978, Auroville: Reaching Matrimandir this morning, I found that some sort of meeting was going on in the office: M.Kl, Cristl, Th, Toine, Ruud, Patricia, as well as a few others, were there… It is perhaps the first time that this particular group is expressing their views openly; it is a little weird, but I feel to sit and listen; it appears that they are determined to receive funds from the SAS again and to take their own decisions…! What to do but laugh!