journal d'une transition

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him that no trees will need watering for some time… But then I must watch my temper more than his actions, for there is again that matter of my “controlling ego” that I’m still gratified with…! … After seeing the work in the canyon, we sit inside. I’m overwhelmed, grateful with the sweet intense beauty and intimate presence in the house, the flowers in their vases, the fire, the oil lamps, the play of light on the stones, the life of the wood… … Nat comes up to sit with me quietly and asks whether I think it will be possible for him and his family to move here in a few months’ time…; this has matured in him for a while; he suggests that I fix the open garden house for them… … When we go to the Kitchen in the evening after the audition of the Agenda, we find many people gathered there attending some kind of a healing session conducted by an American visitor: J.G is lying on a table for the “demonstration”… Even before reaching the door I feel disgust; there is something repulsive in the atmosphere, and in this “tamasic” attitude that welcomes anything “interesting” without any deeper discrimination or discernment… The healer guy is not himself to blame, yet I feel like punching him! This wide, blank “opening” in us here is… discouraging! *22-12-1978, Auroville: After most of the day in Pondy – a rodeo to get my driving-license, doing purchases with C.E, loading the cart, arguing and twice getting reconciled and laughing -, I returned the bike to “Abri”. Walking back home, I met Patricia and F.Gr on the way; F.Gr tells me that, now that he has completed his model of the Matrimandir area with its gardens, Piero is raising all kinds of objections and doubts and uncertainties…; I can only advise him to concentrate and do it for its own sake and not to worry about anyone’s fears… *25-12-1978, Auroville: For the first time in my life I can live this “desire” without shame and it is not humiliating any more – it is open, straight and quiet and leaves no stains; both of us learn to live everything in the light, to free ourselves from subconscious pressures that pervert the perception of the whole and of That, the Real… I do not know how it will evolve or change; how could I know?! I cycled down to “Aspiration” again and found Nicole in her house; we talked quietly; she tells me that she now realises that this “Aspiration movement” with her presence in it to guarantee Satprem’s seal was partial, limited, narrow and actually detrimental… To hear that from her is quite a relief. We have all suffered from this. But I was myself so entangled in my own lack of trust in my own perceptions that I could never respond to it with enough confidence… *30-12-1978, Auroville: You have said that sleep, in the life of the human body, is meant for everyone to go up to Sat-Chit-Ananda for a moment and draw there the energy one needs… All my life this need has been conscious, to be able to reach that and be filled again at the One Source and return to the daily life with it, look at things in the real way, see in them their real purpose and meaning and be ready… Like someone who has subsisted for ages on too poor a substance, to be fed again by the Real…!