journal d'une transition

173

SSJ has also offered money to Narad for the Nursery work; Narad hesitated, went to see Nolini and seek his advice and Nolini seems to have said: “No! This is all false!”… I felt that, in the event of a conflict occurring if and when the cement sent by SSJ would arrive, I would just watch: not an easy choice, but the only one at the moment for which I find some supporting joy. … I fell asleep during my afternoon rest and dreamt that Yel and the others had discovered an underground passage just near to the house and had already begun excavating; curious, we followed in and found ourselves in a house that is the original source of the one we are building above ground… not as if we were building its replica: this is its richer source, more complex and wider; elements of it, though they are perceived here from a different, practical angle, are making up what we are building, but materials are identical and the feeling is the same; odd details which I have felt to include such as some “strange” openings or jutting stones to hold a flower vase, have their raison d’être there, correspond to the needs of an inner life… *19-10-1978, Auroville: Every day I follow more or less the same routine: I get up at dawn, take a bath, write to You in my diary, trying also to note down all the dreams I can remember; then I go to the Kitchen, have an early breakfast, pluck flowers on my way back, carrying C.E’s tiffin with me; I arrange the flowers, sweep the house, etc. And I still do not understand why, inevitably, every day, the first hour feels light, joyous, ready, forward and clean, and as the second hour begins I get tired, tense and loaded – even though I am careful not to grind thoughts, not to open to “worries”. This happens every day, a mystery. *22-10-1978, Auroville: I realise that, through all my relationships in life, things point at a position I should be having: asking nothing from anyone, being a brother and friend to all, comprehensive, always available, calm, present, fully turned towards You yet emanating tenderness and nearness to the others. But part of me resents this as too great a solitude and still yearns to have at least one equal and mutual relationship… After a long time of not attending the PT meetings, I felt like going today. It took place in the Matrimandir office…. The main topic is that, as “Pour Tous” has ceased to function, is not anymore borrowing any money, another way must be found; a phase is ending and another is opening, but which is it? The people of “Aspiration” have come with a proposal, based on an experiment they have been making for some months now, and on a principle You followed in the Ashram: it is an “envelope” system, for each need an envelope, with no transaction between different envelopes; money given for one cannot be used for another and an empty envelope means one must look deeper into the reality of the need itself and correct what must be corrected. Simple! It feels quite alright. But all kinds of objections are raised by people from other communities. I feel in this much closer to “Aspiration”, yet I remain aware of being in a different situation and it is almost as if I was nowhere really; I love Matrimandir but cannot adhere at the moment to what is happening there; I love “Aspiration” as one loves a being and yet I am not part of it and have no yearning to be… Just this: I am in Auroville,