journal d'une transition

172

And my disagreeing with most of the “movements” taking place here in Auroville, doesn’t all this say that I’m false? I try to be very quiet so that the truth of each position finds its place in me without jarring and so that I may realise where I must change… It is urgent that I centre myself in a true vital, because I am too weak and I keep falling under the force of depression, presenting me with such extremes that the actual need is covered like under a cloak. But the real and actual need is to change and to trust. The two go together. One can progress only when one is aware of the truth of one’s being and able to rely straight upon it! *11-10-1978, Auroville: We were resting a while after lunch and I was drifting off when I suddenly saw a face – my own face, eyes wide open, my own eyes, but it is all different, these are the face and the eyes of my own soul! It is me, exactly me, how I feel myself deep within, it is filled with my soul, the eyes are full of it, a wonderful expression, Mother, and it makes the eyes just a little darker, a deeper blue, more intense, the expression is magnificent: sweetness, a loving smile, a clear presence, a whole soul is there, Mother! It came in a second, just in front of me, perhaps a little to the right, facing me, and to its own right there was something solid – like a wall – on which it was leaning a little, but I did not see the body. It was all so intense and sudden that it left me with a moan and a shiver… It gave me a measure of the difference, and explained why for so many years I have been feeling as if empty, an echo, wind passing, always missing, missing, when it should feel, it ought to feel like one is filled to the rim, one is brimming… Feeling like an empty shell, sometimes traversed, or transfixed by all kinds of currents and waves, but empty, empty… yet subtly, miraculously tied to this other “me”, this full being… It is not a vaporous, airy thing, it is entire; it is real and full of love and unique. Am I bound to go on empty, parallel or suspended, a miserable caricature tossed about helplessly at the end of a thread? … Later, as we lay a moment, after the work, on top of the Chamber roof against te concrete rib, I experienced once more the death of a soldier on a battle-field, with the blue sky above as a last smile, ready to travel away… … This evening we found a strange atmosphere in the Kitchen… I ask Noh and R what is happening. They tell me that SSJ has got the carpenters to sign a paper, convincing them that they are the rightful builders of Matrimandir and should relate to him and the SAS and take charge of the construction… So here comes an ugly attempt, again, to rouse “locals” against “Aurovilians”… under a nice cover, with Your symbol on it! *16-10-1978, Auroville: The carpenters have indeed signed SSJ’s paper, and now Piero refuses to give them any instructions; there is no cement for the next concreting, there is no money in “Pour Tous”, scrap steel is being sold just to be able to continue… SSJ has offered money for the cement on the condition that his people would be there to receive it… Those who have been working on the structure do not mind receiving the cement this or that way, but those who now work at the office will of course not accept anything from SSJ….