journal d'une transition

171

Later, I read a passage of “Savitri”, “The Mother of Might” and it comes to illustrate the dilemma I am in: I am revolting or, rather, I am fighting within myself to be rid of this concept, underlying all experience until now, that the world is a battle-field and the Lord is only half at home in it. I refuse it. And I am slowly beginning to see that the root of all disharmony and suffering is this very warp in man’s consciousness. One may, and does, attribute this warp to an Adversary’s making or interference, multiplying itself as the species propagated, but: isn’t it time one found out WHAT has allowed such deformation to take place? And to what end? Not out of guilt and the seeking to be “saved”, but from the yearning and the will to unite with Him, to become what He is, to EXIST! Yet, it is a fact that You have suffered the hell of hells in Your body. And that is unbearable. But the reasons given are not helpful. One cannot fight against oneself too long. One must become divine. One has to BE! I of course can be mistaken, Mother, but I can only love this world when I can feel, more and more, that it is all the Lord for the purpose of a progressive revelation, of a consciously evolving manifestation; and adversity co-exists or is concomitant with that inner warp: one has to find and straighten the warp and the evolutive value of adversity is gone…! *9-10-1978, Auroville: The men tell me they absolutely need 4 bags of cement to finish the final plastering of the roof already started, so I have got to go right away and somehow find this cement… I meet Kannan by the office and he gently accepts to drive the van down to Pondy again even though he hasn’t yet eaten. We drive to Coco Gardens first, see the man in charge: no cement, they only have what they need for the running of their factory. I keep quiet, offering it to You to see whether this roof is to be completed or broken down! The man also keeps silent for a moment. Then he says he can give me… 4 bags! We meet Li Mei and B.G who ask us to fetch and load some planks for them, which delays us further, but we’re beck here by 3.45 pm and the men are happy… … R came to ask me to go and get the milk at “Sharnga”, so this evening I cycled over there, and met B.B and Cl.B. B.B tells me he’d planned to see me about the incident between P.G and one of the masons here, Subrayan, the other night (P.G had come to the house while Subrayan and his team were concreting the roof and shouted to them very crudely about their causing disturbance for everybody around and Subrayan had hit him. I had done nothing about it, really. Only, C.E had gone out to calm everyone down; but I had clearly heard and felt P.G’s tone and manner as disrespectful and quite insulting even and his anger to be unwarranted). Then B.B discloses to me that this story has gone all around and there has been talk of stopping the work at the house until the matter is seen at a PT meeting, as it is unacceptable that I have “allowed” a mason to beat P.G, an Aurovilian, and moreover let him continue work afterwards. I remain quiet and firm, and B.B alters his attitude and begins to tell me how he feels about solidarity and the need to support each other unconditionally, whatever may be our rights or wrongs, simply by virtue of the fact that we have come together for this work, each one’s carrying one’s share of the contradiction; that we must stand together every time… Both of them bring up Satprem, of course… I do not argue. We part with a smile. … It all works itself in me as I slowly cycle back. First I begin to feel again that I’m all wrong and so is the building of this house and so is the relationship with C.E…