journal d'une transition

170

When we reached Matrimandir this morning we saw several motor-bikes parked by the office and found that, following yesterday’ PT meeting, which we hadn’t attended, a new team had taken over all the office work and Toine and Jyotiprem had both withdrawn. The new team is composed of G.M, Piero, and Fred… I feel no joy about it… It just seems to be another power thing and I have little trust in that, it is contrary to everything I have understood so far… there is a sort of disgust in me that is not easy to put aside… *30-9-1978, Auroville: On my way to Matrimandir to see for the week’ payments, I meet Jyotiprem: he tells me how he’s been pushed out from the office by Savitra and others. Then he hand me a dirty piece of paper, prepared by SSJ, asking each person working at Matrimandir to sign in agreement to the SAS resolution… Since it is obvious I am not going to do that, we laugh over it… When I reach the office, I find G.M, petit P and A there, sitting like 3 suburban gangsters, and it feels as ridiculous and of as much poor taste as SSJ’s paper…! I don’t quite know whether to get angry, to cry or to just smile and go on… This whole situation is rather repelling… How to spend the energy for You? I don’t know the way. I just feel the need to continue to go every morning to Matrimandir as a discipline; only; if C.E is too unhappy about it, then I may not be able to go ahead with it… … I was still out working in the garden at dusk when Pala passed by; I said to her I had just received some seeds and asked her for one clay pot (I had seen she has many); but she refuses; and she starts explaining “her situation”. I kept quiet. How to understand this? When she has criticised and aggressed me so heavily and yet has kept asking me for all kinds of material things which I have never refused, and now she cannot give me one single clay pot?! What is wrong with me that I find myself faced with such behaviour? … Tonight, waiting to do our clean-up duty at the Kitchen, C.E and I took a walk, hand in hand, over to Matrimandir; Yan and another fellow were sitting on the first slab playing guitar, unaware of our presence; it made me a little happy, gave me some confidence that perhaps, in time, all will begin to feel Matrimandir as their home and want to serve it together… *1-10-1978, Auroville: … I went upstairs to do some painting: I had wanted to do a face and thought it would be a sweet and feminine face; but what came out was a surprise: a strong, powerful, joyful, manly face that could be that of a black man with deep piercing eyes, and a kind of exhilaration and, as it appeared I wondered: could it be “me” in a previous life? *8-10-1978, Auroville: Walking back with C.E from the “Fertile” pond in the evening light, I “think” of You… things rise from the past… And I see that there’s still a warp in my nature, a basic cowardice and a vileness that allows these losses of balance and responds to fears. But, seeing it, I become centred and feel a quiet strength, generous and tranquil – and that is good!