journal d'une transition

169

stay and has been directed to move to C.E’s hut, as Dennis is about to return home… But somehow it feels quite good that more of us want to stay here…

*25-9-1978, Auroville: Pala, C.E and I have gone to Madras, mainly to receive Dennis, Christiane and Rita mat the airport. Yesterday evening for the first time Pala had come in to visit and she apologised for everything she has said to me or about me in the past several months… We went to the city for some purchases and to the Nursery to select some plants, before going to the airport; but our passengers did not arrive… I proposed we wait till the evening flight lands, and we spend the time drawing; I make my first portraits of C.E, he does some funny cartoon-like studies, Pala comes and goes; at 7 pm we go back to the receiving barrier and wait a while and, here they are! … I dreamt again that C.E and I are building a garden with much concentration and we use everything, every movement, every word and find how to turn each into an element of this garden… … I watch the cat in its troubles, a participant audience: he is sitting high up in the tree, surrounded and besieged by dozens of angry crows while the dog is barking up at him, awaiting… I end up chasing the dog and the crows disperse, but then the 7 sisters come in and begin their racket… R tells me there’s an unannounced meeting, kind of secret, called at the Matrimandir office… And when I bring the cycle to the workshop I find that many people from “Aspiration” have come as well; I sit and listen as more of us try to persuade Toine to change his decision… But I don’t stay till the end; I keep getting the feeling that as long as the whole of Auroville doesn’t fully support the building of Matrimandir, nothing genuinely true can manifest here, in us… Perhaps I have to try and write it down, in simple terms… … P.G has finally moved into the small hut (where C.E was staying). *27-9-1978, Auroville: I called C.E to come upstairs and look at my drawings of Your face – not very good! We laugh. We get into one of these talks that suddenly open to an intense comprehension… I seem to touch the essential difficulty, with a great intensity, which is: how to reach and unite to the real joy of being, the Lord’s Ananda, and how this joy is necessarily one with His love; how this is surely the key to all problems of existence, because what we all miss is the joy of progress, the joy of becoming, of manifesting ever more fully. We miss this crucial joy, we cling to those forms that have revealed to us in a moment of time an aspect of the Real, we cling to them and we have bitterness; we have so little confidence, we give ourselves so little, because we are not able to surrender joyfully to the flow of the Lord’s becoming… We only know tricks to make life bearable, we have only learnt somehow to endure or else to be indifferent; or we adore and worship, but we are too narrow to BE… And so we don’t have His joy and we don’t have His love, we are powerless, negative, apprehensive, retracted…

*29-9-1978, Auroville: