journal d'une transition

165

I see three movements in me, overlapping one another: one is loving, silently active; another is narrow, judgemental and wanting control and upset at details; and the third is hesitant, wondering, and eager not to impose oneself… I cycled down to the Nursery to get some more tree seedlings; Narad is sad, upset by all the controversies around Matrimandir, feeling ill… He shows me the record of the conversation he had with Nolini on his birthday… We arranged for further planting from Monday on… *1-9-1978, Auroville: While I was at work, alone, chipping at the roof of the Chamber, I found myself physically connected to Matrimandir, as I used to always feel earlier: this communion of the body with Matrimandir. And my heart rises in joy and the yearning returns in me for this life where we all give ourselves to our maximum, working for the Soul and yet waiting on each other, giving ourselves wholly to It and waiting on each other always… This evening we had about 30 more trees to plant; I had a rather precise idea of the position for each of them and didn’t want it to get confused, so I did not offer to C.E to choose himself and unwittingly got disassociated from him and found myself shut up in my old solitary persona; it happened in a wink and I couldn’t get out of it; C.E remained quiet, with a strange expression of crude irony, or revolt. … It is a strange experience we are all having, to oscillate between the tendency or urge to be alone and to deal with things from one’s solitude and organise oneself accordingly, and the call to be together and to throw everything in that breath of progress and companionship, not keeping anything to oneself, not making any reservations… *2-9-1978, Auroville: While working in the Chamber, I meditate on discipline, will-power and the element of ego in them, and on consecration and on togetherness. Sometimes it clears up and it is joyful and I visualise a collective discipline, freely chosen and without egoism, without imposition or arbitrary pressure on those whose movements are still uncertain and tentative, and I experience it as a formidable force of unity – very far ahead it seems, and yet very close… … C.E says to me: “I like that you can return to me even when I am repelling you…!” And I see that what in us feels rejected or wants to reject, feels imposed upon or seeks to impose upon, is only the ego. While the actual experience of togetherness leads to the door of a great mystery… *4-9-1978, Auroville: I went to Krishna’s to pick up the cycle and found V there! She has just returned from Italy! … C.E wanted to sleep closer to me so we don’t have to part in the night and wake up separately, so we end up spreading all the bedding directly on the floor, facing out… He tells me that, when we move and live together in the new house, he wants to kept nothing to himself, he wants to give himself completely…

*5-9-1978, Auroville: