journal d'une transition

164

Krishna has returned from Delhi; he sits with us tonight for a while. Later, when C.E has finished writing his mail, he turns to me very sweetly and lies down next to me and we hold hands and at one I become aware that… I am hard like a stone and my heart is veiled and there is only a mechanical expression of tenderness over a big hard wall, something so hard and so satisfied to be hard and indifferent, something that has never wondered, never questioned itself, that has no respect for anyone else’s existence… I tried almost desperately to see it dissolve into a deeper movement of love, but nothing moved… *27-8-1978, Auroville: At noon I returned to C.E’s with a pressure from above going deep inside and lifting my heart with inner tears and intense yearning; and I saw this movement taking place as if someone, the Help, was letting down a rope in a big dark well reaching for the soul and holding tight and little by little pulling it out of the dark, out of the ego… I wanted to explain to C.E what was happening but he prevented me sharply saying that I do not have to justify or explain, that we are together and it is enough… I looked at a sudden turmoil, trying to see through it; and I found that… here it was, the ego! It had gone lurking, acting even in the transparency of that silence, it was there, hard as ever, like death itself, and it had every intention of making C.E feel how great I was and how I deserved homage for what was happening in me – that he had a lot to learn before he could even hope to experience such a thing… Like light focussed on a pin, the Pressure was showing me… the ego! I feel I must go on, but how can I trust what I am? *30-8-1978, Auroville: As we were about to start back for Matrimandir, F.S came by shouting my name and that he wanted the use of a barrel; as C.E was coming out after me, F.S began, in his typical aggressive humour, to denigrate everything that’s being done here, the water-tanks, the pump-house, the “castle” as he called it, reminding me that he had only given me his support for the building of a “temporary” structure, not of a palace… Somehow, this hung with me as we worked the rest of the day, chipping the roof of the Chamber, and I wondered whether I was using C.E as a refuge, hiding in our relationship, turning away from the general pressures… Stopping at 5 pm, tired, as we go down the scaffolding I hit my head on a clamp and get a good-size bump for it… C.E and I had some steel to cut by the workshop but we got confused, it went all wrong between us… I told myself that it couldn’t be worse, and this calmed me down at once; we had to sit under the Banyan tree a while to recover, though. As I was asking within which way I should be going, to stay or to leave, to remain with C.E or to move away, and put this mental alternative before You, I realised that the truth is not choosing to move either left or right, this way or another: the truth is to be true! To be true in one’s consciousness, in one’s being, at every moment and in every circumstance; and right there and then, a smile returned in the air!

*31-8-1978, Auroville: C.E got up late today… As we clean and arrange the house, I tell him my dreams and we laugh…