journal d'une transition

166

We were taking our afternoon nap, I was dozing, following a series of images, when I was jolted awake by V‘s voice. She asked me to come over to Dennis’s and take my things immediately – the book-case, the chair… I got it right in the solar plexus and it made my body tremble, so I just told her to do what she liked and she left… C.E was helpful and light about it… We went later with the men to carry everything away and they all were amused by this latest scene…! Sometimes I feel a bit as if the Lord had always been watching all my “efforts”, and all the times I fell on my nose and all the conflicts I got myself into, ever with a smile, ever holding my inner being with a firm hand… In the night later, unexpected in the still air, rain began pouring, straight down, steadfast, and plentiful and it went on till dawn… *6-9-1978, Auroville: I had a mental, moral dilemma this morning: whether one has the “right” to ask for the light when one does not use properly what is already given. This is the old, persisting notion of “sin”, betrayal of the divine, etc. I saw that I was not going to come out of it by arguing and felt the way lies in the very tenderness one feels, simpler and truer than all these divisive notions. As self- giving increases, confidence also grows and anxiety vanishes and we are able to look at life with more consecration and balance… It all must become a ground for Your feet… … When there is the yearning not to be led by desire but to be transparent and given to You, there is also the fear of being abandoned by You because one might have failed to fulfil the conditions, because one might have yielded once more to desire… And this fear is basically an ugly movement, it is false; it was given to men by religions with their concept of a God who judges and condemns, separate from the creation, outside of Nature, a God who is not what we are. And isn’t this precisely what we must fight to free our consciousness from! The Lord is all. The Lord is everything. And it is the Lord Himself who yearns and wills to change His own conditions of manifestation in order to bring more of His reality into it. The Lord does not judge or condemn, He grows through Love and Truth and Light… *8-8-1978, Auroville: Collective suggestion seems to say that our relationship is “against nature” and that by the very force of nature each will return to “natural” relationships… But I don’t think that one often meets in human existence such richness and freedom of contact and expression that can allow each person to live equally one’s feminine and masculine elements and where it ceases to mean anything exclusive… Yet, that would be truly natural!... I feel anxious as if we had to shake something off that weighs on us, to go out in the wind, to do something strong and positive… I am aware that my insistence only aggravates C.E’s withdrawal, that we are drifting apart, ego making our positions antagonistic… And I am as if paralysed by this condition of separation; he becomes harsh, his eyes are full of this separation, as if painted by it; he says that I am not sincere, that this is just a play of forces, a knot we must untie, that it is the same situation as with V… And I see that all I could say or do would be in vain. After a first movement of wanting to “kill myself” as I used to years ago, I quietened and regained some balance…