journal d'une transition

163

wide… We take a long swim and play with mud and watch the birds. Our bodies feel more at home with each other now. Tonight we stayed a long time together, getting closer and freer; I feel mute, a sort of awe before such a gift…

*20-8-1978, Auroville: We worked till noon. I want to get our lunches at the Kitchen and, on the way back, as I reflected on the graceful happiness in which we live, my mind recalled the possibility of a dispute, of a misunderstanding and, at once, I sensed the small energies that are always ready to make one say the wrong word or have the wrong movement that could start the dispute or cause the misunderstanding… I pondered this phenomenon for a while and got into a rather amusing “dialogue” with these little beings that seek to have fun by pushing people into conflicts… *21-8-1978, Auroville: … Something happened. There was this wavering in our contact, nothing could be said without worsening a sort of ambiguity and I was not conscious of the actual issue, something important was eluding me, I only knew it was about Auroville and my attitude towards the “collective” and the work… Then C.E started speaking from a deep impulse, with the strength of accumulation; I listened and, quite of a sudden, a big wall of my ego was knocked down, I felt as if the roots were torn out, it was so concrete that I couldn’t raise my eyes. I was seeing, so tangibly how, behind this “attitude” of mine the ego, its falsity and its hardness, had hidden so securely… I was terribly ashamed. Then I felt quite lost, devoid of any capacity for simple love, unable to live and give myself, or anything worthwhile. I had been caught for so long in this illusion, trapped into the false existence of the ego, looking at things from this separate, hard viewpoint, and it had kept me ensnared by the arms of fear and guilt… *22-8-1978, Auroville: This evening, alone, I was planting trees, 25 trees, meditating on progress. Suddenly I caught in my mind a rapid thought, all mine in the sense that it translated a deep-rooted attitude of my own ego, something very ugly, detrimental and contrary to love and truth; it would have escaped me at another time because it is one of those formulations one is so used to have “underneath”, that the “good mind” pays no attention to it anymore… This part is what feels itself as an “Aurovilian” and considers C.E with a slightly disdainful pity, seeing his “problems” and weaknesses and weighing the slim chances of his making it! So crude, so self- satisfied! And I felt how much this ego is a lie, a terrible lie... *25-8-1978, Auroville: Early this morning I watered the plants abundantly. As I went to move the hose- pipe over the wall, it fell onto a flowering yellow bush and split it; I felt awful, as if confronted with the material result of the confusion that has got into me… Returning here this evening I felt overwhelmed with gratitude for this place… I realise I now exist in three fields: Matrimandir, “Sincerity” and the relationship with C.E, and all three belong to You.