journal d'une transition

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*6-8-1978, Auroville: I feel bad with my own attitude of demand towards C.E, and sad like a child, because there is not enough reciprocity and not enough balance; I had hoped to do all these little works with him but he is busy in himself and probably finds me too pressing, too heavy… I have to turn all this to You and reject depression. I went to work alone. At the Nursery I found that Narad had broken his arm! But we fixed for tomorrow to plant some more trees together in the Gardens. I am trying to see what’s wrong with me; there is a strong pressure on my ego this morning, it feels uneasy at being unveiled; this is increasing…! As I collected some fruit for C.E and I, R made some comment on “collective principles” to which I reacted and it got a little harsh; yet I knew he was right. He referred to Dadu, who would never refuse me anything because of my influent ways… Yes, I must change! I certainly need to become more humble, truly humble, and to withdraw from any power I might still have over people; I never mean to, actually, but it’s still there as a fact and very much part of the image and formation people have of me in our life here – the individualistic, dominating attitude… Later I got an acute belly pain and it was so bad I had to lie down twice in the afternoon…! *7-8-1978, Auroville: I went to the Gardens and counted the pits where trees are missing: there were 40! When I told him, Narad decided that we could only plant 5 trees a day, as he needed to do some study for such a large number… As he proceeded to select 5 saplings that had overgrown on the cement tables, I felt hesitant and a little doubtful about planting such tallish rootless plants; he got upset and defensive, taking it as a personal criticism; I kept quiet and smiled back at him and we carried the saplings over to the Gardens and planted them together… He’s got such an orthodoxy in his ways, he’s bound to get upset with me now and then, though he’d never admit to his heavy judgement on me, “for the sake of harmony”!... Today at the Kitchen I stayed in line with everybody like a good boy… Does this help me to become really humble and simple? *11-8-1978, Auroville: Last night was active, my dreams filled with people. But I woke up with a heavy heart, because I’m forced by C.E’s reservations to discriminate against parts of myself; I become unbalanced and faced with conflict, and I find that it is not desire itself that produces conflict but the concealing, the separation or suppression of one part, one element in our togetherness, that brings a fight against desire; and it becomes too important or exclusive, it starts weighing more and more – and it wouldn’t have if we’d been able to give simple expression, on all levels, to what we are to one another. It lingers like a kind of sorrow… It is the shutting off of possibilities or fields of expression that brings about conflict and loss of balance… I want to be myself and to love well where I can love, where it is given me to love… … P.G came to tell me that Micheline and Pierre Etevenon were visiting tonight and that he thought of bringing them here, but I know that C.E would feel very uneasy and I’m not enthusiastic either about this kind of social interaction; then he asked us both, and particularly C.E, if he intended to move to the new house with me once it is ready, as he himself would then like to move into C.E’s hut… Funny how