journal d'une transition

159

I’m preoccupied with the situation in “Sincerity”, for which I’m largely responsible, with 5 paid workers… Would it be truer that we, who live here, do all the work ourselves? But then we would just be a community of Westerners in the middle of South India doing our comfortable, self-justified sadhana… I don’t know, I cannot see the truth with my mind, but I do not feel a call to obey this kind of pressure… *24-7-1978, Auroville: We swept and cleaned the house together. C.E too seems to be disturbed, I guess for the same reason: yesterday night we went through an area where sexuality was involved, and desire was present; even though it was just a slight influence, it took us down and we have got now to deal with it; we speak little, it will come in its own time… Ay night I went to see the masons, while they were finishing the floor, to offer to them one day of paid-leave before starting the next phase of the work, and to start it only if they were happy to do so; they seemed to understand and took it very well and asked me to come for a “puja” later, when they were done. *27-7-1978, Auroville: I went to “Unity” to get a wheel-barrow and, along with Marimuthu, to the Nursery to load new compost for the pits in the Gardens. I wasn’t too happy with this work at first; as we reached, I saw Narad from a distance and thought of asking him from which pile we should take the compost, but remembered he had said “yes” for the first pile when we had earlier talked about it; but as we started to fill the barrow I noticed the dung was still very hard and the pile very hot, but my mind didn’t go further… Then Narad came and got very upset that I couldn’t figure this compost wasn’t ready and its heat would kill the plants; he showed us then the right pile and we loaded from it. We laughed over it but it gave me a lot to think: I often find myself in such situations, not out of bad-will but out of a kind of lazy ignorance and a coarseness of my ego. Usually something happens to show me my mistake before it bears any results, but it is time this attitude changes or disappears; I can see how it still plays around me with fears or the desire to save an image, it is petty, poor and mean. Then, to push the full barrow up to the Gardens was hard for me, as I had neither the muscular strength not the happy energy for it... *2-8-1978, Auroville: As I was plucking jasmine by the house I suddenly heard Yel shout and the sound of a fall. I ran inside the house, found him lying down under the broken door, full in the water from the curing… I removed the door and when I touched him I got an electric shock and saw then that he was stuck with the electrical cord in both his hands and his whole body was filled with current. I ran back outside and switched off the main, and carried Yel, unconscious, to the easy chair under the tree. I had then a moment of panic as his heart stopped beating and he wasn’t breathing any more… I massaged his heart vigorously until it started again and I continued a while longer until I was sure it was revived. Yel opened his eyes and recognised me, and then he lost consciousness again, to wake up a little later, asking what had happened…! I let him rest there, asked Pala who just passed by to go and fetch some milk for him; I watered the plants, saw the work here and when the carpenters arrived I showed them the broken door. Later I brought Yel to rest more on the bed on C.E’s veranda, heated up the milk, told C.E what had happened; he was sweet and helpful about it.