journal d'une transition

161

little by little everyone has begun to see C.E and I as inseparable and, of course, made formations about it, and assume we’ll be living together when we ourselves do not know it…!

*12-8-1978, Auroville: Early this morning I prepared the payments and did the accounts. We kept silent. C.E is a little distant, as if he’d taken some resolution, and I can’t help being anxious over it! … I had seen that Shradhalu had been digging some pits where I had always meant to keep an open space, because of the beauty of this lawn and the perspective onto the large trees, so I stopped by his house; Anita was also there; I asked them whether they intended to plant big trees there, as I’d planned that no mass should block the view; Shradhalu started to come out with me but, all of a sudden, made up his mind and told me with a violent tension that he will do as he likes. I just said that I didn’t know he was in that state and I left at once and went back to the Gardens to do some pruning there and take photographs of the “Prayer” flowers blooming on a hill… I was uptight with this sense of people turning against me, of being rejected by both C.E and Shradhalu today, but I centred and pushed the fear away and turned into the Presence and felt alright again. As I was walking back to Matrimandir for tea-break I saw Shradhalu coming towards me across the hills and felt a burst of love and the impulse to run to him and embrace him; he was serious and wanted to tell me of his past, and of his aspiration to serve Beauty in a place he would feel as his home, and that he’d felt he’d found such a place now, at “Sincerity”, and yet people were getting upset at him, like Anita and me; he said that he’d been crying often in the last few days… I reassured him that this was nothing but a simple matter of harmony… … At night, after our work at the Kitchen, we sat in the sand-pile quietly as we often do… I was getting ready for anything C.E might have to say, but he started with a surprising comment on our rigidity, then slowly told me about my pressing him, waiting for him or calling him and remaining turned towards him, that it disturbed him… I felt terrible because I had been trying all I could precisely not to do that and it seems my efforts have only intensified it… I am faced again with that movement which escapes or eludes my control; but, as it needs a relationship to occur, I suppose it works both ways and that there is C.E’s side to my own pressure…? *13-8-1978, Auroville: I am tired as if from too long a storm… I think I have sometimes seen those little beings that do their mischief in me. Won’t You pluck them out? I want to open my whole being so that You can put everything in order and remove these things that stick to my consciousness like parasites… … While working, I tried to look for the root of it all, to find what has to be done and the capacity to do it; at times it was like a meditation on the phenomenon itself, the obstacle it represents in the advent of true relationships; but at times it was just pulling, exhausting, gnawing, blind, resisting like a stone of ill-will… But I want to have no shame about it. I have seen in past relationships that this always happens when there is a withholding, an excluding, and a keeping away, or a movement of preserving in the other…