journal d'une transition

158

*18-7-1978, Auroville: I am going through quite a lot… I see my own vanity. And it is vanity that opens one to this illusion of the “adversary”, although this is hard to recognise! To live with C.E instead of living alone is a question to all of my actions; it opens up a whole different life with its different attitudes and responses. In a very short span of time I see many of my defects, ugliness, facts of “me” that must be offered as they are and for what they are… And simultaneously there is anguish that I shall not be able to make it and the intense gratitude to be given such a thing! I met Ruud at tea-break who told me of the latest developments regarding Matrimandir matters and invited me, with some insistence, to a small meeting this afternoon with him, M.T, Toine, Al.B, Jacqueline, Ajit, but without Piero! I listened to him, but didn’t feel at all like going. I feel too much out of it now or too incapable to discern a way forward… C.E seems to be pulled by his own contradictions, he is tired and somewhat cynical; I tease him a bit… I would embrace him, he is so dear. Big clouds are massing. V meets me at the new house and we watch from the roof till the wind rises, driving dust before it and bending the trees down; we run then and put everything away, and a big, dense rain comes at last… I asked C.E whether he’d rather like to be alone; I do not want to be a weight on him… I have so much to learn these days and yet it looks like nothing is happening! *20-7-1978, Auroville: With a full bag of vetiver grass and some other plants I’d just collected, I stopped by at “Tapoloka” to see what was happening in the PT meeting; the topic of Matrimandir was up again, Piero introduced it and Savitra spoke at length, and I felt like going out… I don’t know how to explain… We seem to be reaching nowhere, we keep onto the same old lines, rejecting and condemning and being offended or so self-satisfied with our “collective process”, our so-called unity… But what I need is more consciousness, that’s all! And at present I feel I’m more likely to find it by going within – within myself as within the things I touch and experience -, than by persisting with this “collective attempt”. Yet it is also a question of love. I want to love, to know love. …I found that the carpenters here had made a mistake with the staircase despite my warning them twice; so I have to change its position and modify the floor levels, which fortunately aren’t yet plastered; it bothered me at first, then I adapted to the situation and found a way out which might actually be quite harmonious… *22-7-1978, Auroville: Michael T told me there was no money at all today and the workers couldn’t be paid; as I left I met Shyama downstairs and teased her about her survey of the economics of each community and we started talking… What is the true way onwards? To cut, to reduce, that can’t be it. To simply rely ignorantly on Your Grace isn’t it either. And any cut first falls on the land, then on the materials and on the villagers working with us… I could only say with some clarity that I felt the real issue is in the need for us to open to the central Force of Auroville, its power of cohesion which seeks to manifest through Matrimandir…