journal d'une transition

157

Today, being caught again in the demands of relationships, I wondered if it was really worth it, if one should not rather concentrate in solitude and move away from any relationship that is not clearly given by You…?

*13-7-1978, Auroville: Once again V asks me what I have decided. As I reply that I do not know, she declares that if I do not leave, then she herself will have to go… C.E joins me later in the Kitchen, we eat and do the clean-up with Dadu as usual, but I am oversensitive, ready to take anything C.E says as a blow… On our way back we sit awhile in the sand-pile and I tell him about V and he explains to me what he understands of her needs and difficulties, and it eases my mind and I feel light again and ready to move my things out of her place and leave her alone. Then C.E offers to me to move over with him and to sleep on his veranda… He speaks to me on what he feels towards the collectivity here… I go back to V’s to fetch my blanket and tell her that I now understand and am moving out, to which she replies that it’s not enough for me to “understand” – meaning, I guess, that I somehow “owe” her and ought to do more… In the middle of the night, she comes over to C.E’s and wakes me up, wanting me to go back to her house right away, all sweet and loving, though still very tight and tense… But I tell her that we must at least follow one movement to its end… *14-7-1978, Auroville: I woke up at 5 am, far from rested… and the memory of V coming to take me “home” is stronger than the memory of my dreams… I arrange my things in C.E’s house and on his veranda, we sweep and clean. Later I worked with Narad, we spend some time pruning a “Service” tree together, he makes some useful comments and criticism; on Renate’s request we then see some work to be done on a large “neem” tree at the Camp and this takes us till noon, and I don’t feel tired at all… *15-7-1978, Auroville: I have a sort of anguish tonight: I am not enough aware, I am too caught in life’s play… Back to C.E’s at night, we find V waiting there, all sweet and close, to take me back; but I refuse to go. I too must find my true position towards her, both in silence and in activity, and it is difficult, I do not know yet. *16-7-1978, Auroville: … I sit quietly on the veranda while C.E is painting; being so near to him now, I open to another rhythm of living – I could also paint or write or weave again, or just… I don’t know, just live? I never knew to do that, it seems…! I was not missing it, though, as far as I know; what I need is in You, in the pace of Your Force. But it is as if You were giving me all this unasked-for happiness and I receive it with gratitude and wonder and it fills me with sweetness… I want to grow from the soul only and no longer from my own formations or partial understanding of what it is or should be… Even difficulties, even aspirations tend to give a form to the progress to be made, and I am now learning that I must not give it any form but follow with confidence the path that is being opened step by step…