journal d'une transition

153

at present, of being just one helper, is an opportunity to catch hold of a real movement of progress…

*26-5-1978, Auroville: After tea-break, I saw that SSJ was in the office ; after some hesitation I went to him and asked him to tell me frankly his position; he said that in his view we have gone lower even than people from “outside” and that he clearly saw he cannot participate in the present collective movements… What could I say? There is nothing to argue about; it seems to me we are all missing the essential…! *27-5-1978, Auroville: V is worrying about her brother in Italy and she asked me to help her get to Bombay where she will try to get help from her Consulate… Tonight, after curing its roofs, I went inside the new house, dreaming with it… V soon joined me, coming into my arms, and we stayed a long time immobile, quiet; it is so clear that the Grace is there, so concretely, and I don’t know what to do better than to be simply grateful and to progress and grow… *1-6-1978, Auroville: Early this morning I met with SSJ in his house; we sat facing each other and he started telling me his feelings and of his past trials and his position today… Our contact is very quiet and there is this aspect to it of a family relationship or bond; all the time I have the impression of nearness, openness – if only we could remain on this level of inner poise. Of course this is only one “side” of him, as it is one side of me… Then I went to “Tapoloka” to attend the Pour Tous meeting… Towards the end, F.Gr brought up the matter of the funding for Matrimandir… I would have just kept quiet but for a remark Al.B made about SSJ, which made me feel obliged to say I had talked to him myself; and I thus got caught in a tension due to the reactions, mostly from the “Aspiration” people… I am quite sick with all this reacting just now, and I then tried to say there might be another way, not so “anti”, not so negative, to approach the matter at hand; I related some of my conversation with SSJ, but it was pointless and I felt very sorry… It was anyway decided that a group would meet SSJ and ask him on behalf of the “community” that the funds for Matrimandir be, as a gesture, channelled through “Pour Tous”… *3-6-1978, Auroville: After our night work at the Kitchen, we walk back in silence and come to cure the roofs… While opening the tap, I see light in C.E’s house and understand that he has returned; seeing his silhouette seated in the veranda, I feel shy to go to him. … I sit close to him leaning against his chair, we give each other a little caress, slowly he tells me of his journey; he is like a small brother and I wonder if he has done what he’d set out to do… Several times he asks me to say something, but I just tell him about his plants; I bring him his mail; little by little I realise that he is back, that he is here… I can be happy with him, Mother?!

*4-6-1978, Auroville: