journal d'une transition

152

C.E has made a beautiful drawing of Your face, in China ink, which he offers to me as a surprise! *13-5-1978, Auroville: I went straight to C.E and sat beside him. He told me that the right thing for him to do is to go, alone. Then, it was this powerful and sweet pressure all through me, this deep intensity of something happening. I kept quiet and silently listened to him… It is Matrimandir who does all this, who keeps me here, I belong to it, it is Matrimandir who made us meet, who makes us walk and grow, and who allows me to love by giving me a friend who loves too… I have sorrow that he leaves, I miss him already, but I can understand and I must not cling – I must trust that when he returns he will find his place truly. I prepared the things he needs, in a bag, and brought it to him. *14-5-1978, Auroville: At one point Piero came in to get something and, right at the sight of him I got like a hit in my breast and my body trembled for a moment… Later, this came to my mind: he wants power and will accept much in order to get it, because this experience hasn’t yet been fulfilled in him and ha cannot surrender it yet… As for me I have known power and have gone the other way around, struggling to withdraw from it and to offer it… *15-5-1978, Auroville: Neither the force of will nor the energies generated by ideals last very long, or else they fail, when one comes to the body, to the Fact. The joy of existence would be much more helpful there, if it included the thirst for progress – such a union with the Lord that one becomes His own need to manifest… *18-5-1978, Auroville: Part of me refuses to draw vital energy because of the blinding effect it has on my consciousness; and yet I am not able to receive energy directly from You, nor joy, so what am I to do? When I get vital energy and spend it vitally and physically, I do open to some joy and warmth, but in a blind and egoistic way; and if I don’t, then I am left with the little capacity I have to live psychically, and my body feels deprived… But I can only persevere, I guess… … Patricia is going back to the hills to be with R.T, Satprem and Sujata; she told me how SSJ had secretly been trying to get the funds for Matrimandir through the Ashram Trust; she feels that SSJ is now a real danger to Auroville… When shall we learn the lesson? When the threat becomes so obvious and we realise that the Soul of Auroville is going to be taken away from us, then we will know?!!! *19-5-1978, Auroville: We carried another section of the ramps over and down to the structure, and it took time and discussion, these are heavy items! I am being very tamasic and find myself in the very same attitude of inert dependency that I so resent in others whenever I have to be leading a team… At the same time, this other position I’m in