journal d'une transition

151

*2-5-1978, Auroville: I am in a strange condition today : it is not so much that my body is tired, but my vital has perhaps taken a vacation and I wonder at every moment how I manage just to stand on my legs, I have to resist quite hard not to fall in a heap, into sleep or withdrawal. I am stuck between the pressure on and through the head and a resistance in the rest of the being which I can’t understand, which has no cause I can trace, except that something is being done – and perhaps it matters little whether I struggle to stay on my feet or let go and swoon into a ten-day sleep…! Mother please, do whatever has to be done, take me out of this longing sorrow within into the true joy that triumphs tranquilly… *3-5-1978, Auroville: I feel exhausted, dragged down and empty, without any resources or anything to rely on, my body just wants to lie down and be alone. Yet, as we finished the work right after 5.30 pm and the evening came, quite suddenly I became lighter and happier, as if purified! When we returned here in the night, we found that someone had entered the room, taken the two alarm-clocks and my bag containing all my papers, passport, etc, has also disappeared… So, no more papers! *4-5-1978, Auroville: Searching all around Nat has found, lying scattered under the big « neem » tree, all my papers and the leather pouches ; the odd thing is that I’m quite sure I passed this very place while plucking flowers earlier this morning… No clocks, of course! V has gone to Kodaikanal for a few days… Stupid to say, but I feel a little like a child when the parents have gone for a trip…! Krishna has brought me another belt that he’s made, perfumed even! After the work we went for a long walk over to “Fraternity”, as I had to bring to Yvonne A the thesis that J.Y has written; she and Medhananda welcomed us, we saw the monkeys, C.E did not know them… I felt stronger on the way back… The fast is ending today, except for Kenneth who wants to continue; he’s the only one who has kept going from the start, others have stopped, been replaced, or joined in mid-course… *7-5-1978, Auroville: Watering the plants, searching for a piece of hose, I find that a valve, almost new, is already worn out, which reminds me sharply that we are still in the Kali Yuga when dishonesty and carelessness are masters in Matter. I went later with Nat and Yel to Pala’s to see with her what work is to be done there; as she has many things to tell me, I sit with her for more than an hour; she speaks calmly this time, saying she has worked a lot on herself to be clearer; I find it alright, not tiring, I have the impression of building something… *5-5-1978, Auroville: Heavy with fever, the intestines painful…