journal d'une transition

149

It is clear to me that I am not meant to realise anything on the “heights”, it has to be here, right here in the body that I must find it and open to it. Everyone seems to be half asleep, distracted and I’m faced with my perpetual problem in the work, of having to say what must be done and to check that nothing goes wrong, and I’m reluctant to do it, both because I wish it were not necessary and because my ego is still in the game and gives it a wrong vibration… As we walk back here, C.E tells me he understands my position, that it is not easy to do scaffolding work with only inexperienced people, but that it ought to be possible to deal with the situation without getting bad-tempered and upset…! How right he is! Then we decide to plant the small fir tree together, and it is happy again! When I have made mistakes and understand that I have, how can their effects be changed also? I know this: to see, to accept, to offer and to trust the Grace sincerely. But is it enough? I want that no one else but me is affected by my mistakes; but I guess this may not be the rule of the game, as there is only the Lord, and One Body! One Being that suffers, endures, grows and becomes! *21-4-1978, Auroville: At 2.45 pm as I start back for Matrimandir, I see Pala on the path, some distance away; unbidden a feeling comes of being very, very far from whatever she is into; then as we’re about to pass each other she asks me, rather tensely, whether I had closed the valve to the second tank yesterday; I couldn’t remember exactly, I might have done to make sure it didn’t overflow; I feel then as if I had entered a dense cloud and each of my world was taken into some whirlwind, she is so full of an accumulated resentment directed at me; it stupefies me, as I never think of her, am actually seldom here and hardly ever see her, yet she has built up such an anger and frustration towards me, she says she just wants to hit me as I can’t even recognise the effect I have on her… I try to calm her and ask her what I can do practically, but it is such an energy that I turn silent… How is it that even now people focus on me such a large part of their problems or place in me the cause of their disturbance? *22-4-1978, Auroville: The masons tell me that, for some reason I don’t quite understand, they will fix the top of the door – the stone lintel with Your symbol engraved in it – only on Monday. I realise then that it will be the 24th and tell them about it… As I was preparing to go, suddenly V came to me with a flower and kissed me and thanked me… which left me as surprised as the scene with Pala had left me yesterday, only it’s the other way around! I had no idea why she thanked me, as I had no idea why Pala was so upset with me! After the work we walked back together with John H; this is a very present guy, very sweet, and I seem to sense his inner being again, as when he was so very ill… V showed me what she had done in the garden today; it’s good; I suggested some improvements, on her request; she seems to be finding some joy now in doing these things and perhaps she will gradually become stronger…

*23-4-1978, Auroville: