journal d'une transition

148

anchor there and that I could love her and be with her; I even fancied that if I were to leave the work here I’d ask her to take me in!... John H. has come to stay with me until he gets a room in the Camp… At night we lay down, gazing at the sky; V told me she needed a more material expression or movement of what unites us… Then something good happened: I took her in my arms and held her very tight and little by little as I closed my eyes and the thoughts vanished, I started seeing You: I see that You have not left, that You are waiting, doing something very essential, which we are not able to grasp, because our need is so small and so poor; I feel You with the body, with the embrace of the body, it’s like an answer to my questions… As if by holding each other, by being body and soul only and calling for that love and presence, we could best allow You to do Your work… This is nearly impossible to say with words… As if by holding one another, all of us, like that, and looking at You, something would be done! And that all the rest is… beside the point! *17-4-1978, Auroville: Before 8 am I want to Matrimandir and sat alone waiting for the others, with time to look at things, and a strange formation came to me, it said: “look, I’m getting older, what if I don’t succeed in progressing fast enough, in entering fast enough a true consciousness, and cannot become Yours and have a true function and a true working-place in Your work? Then I shall be like a wanderer, a beggar, a good-for- nothing, a burden on anyone I meet, too old to find even an ordinary place!”… Just as the team was getting together Noh came to call us: something had happened at Bharat Nivas, Fred, Narad and David had just been beaten up by some villagers and it was bad… We rushed there, the police came… Some 50 villagers had been paid by the SAS to beat us; Rakhal and Bill took pictures of the scene, with Fred bleeding profusely, etc. I felt nothing much, everyone was alright actually. There was some humour in it, though, this comedy perhaps reaching an end with the SAS having done the very thing that could drive them out of here; Fred was smiling and looking very proud… V. told me today that she has come to the conclusion that she needs to be alone for some time so as to find her true place here and not be drawn to an action or a role just because I am there… It is good, I think. But it is strange how I myself never seem to have this problem, this need not to get influenced by someone else, as if I didn’t care! Later, C. told me of herself and how touched and moved and disoriented she feels… It was very pure and very deep. Such a jewel she is!

*18-4-1978, Auroville: It seems that David had to be transported again as he kept vomiting, perhaps due to a brain concussion; we also heard that both Ramaswamy and Prabhat have been arrested.

I have received a sweet answer from Satprem: “La seule solution c’est d’essayer encore et encore!”

A need in me is becoming more obvious and precise, the need to become conscious of eternity, in the physical consciousness, in the body.