with Sri Ganesh

- 12-11-09:

That day, it all derailed. The following is written many weeks later, by increments, as I recover slowly a sense of purpose and discipline in the progress of the sadhana. And in entering these notes and accounts of this particular period, I am also confirming the joining and mingling of parts of my life here which I had so far kept separate, the part concerned with the service to Sri Ganesh and the rest of the daily experience. It only seemed right and correct to observe this separation, as the function of a Pujari must necessarily remain impersonal. But it also felt increasingly absurd and artificial, or arbitrary, to maintain this discrimination as the importance of this relationship with Sri Ganesh was naturally becoming more and more an integral dynamic part of my life and progress in Auroville – in this life, upon this earth…! And so, here are random notations of what took place between that morning and the beginning of the year 2010. That day, in the early morning, I had felt a little uncertain upon leaving home – not exactly uneasy, but rather unsure of anything. Tentatively I had opted to go to Pondy (to run some errands and see to “Brihat” after many weeks) after my work at Sri Ganesh’s and I had warned Parthy to be prepared to take his lunch alone. However, by mid-morning, what had merely been a discomfort around the stomach became an acute nausea and I could barely complete the puja to Sri Ganesh before I had to vomit in the grass by the Riddhi room, heavily retching; and then I just had no strength to get up and had to lie down right there, on the pebbled stretch of ground along the grass, quite shaken, with mounting pain in the abdomen. After a while I could drag myself inside the Riddhi room and settle there in the easy-chair and try to rest and breathe and let the disorder clear. But it was not improving much and, by 2 in the afternoon, I mustered what will I could and managed to drive back home, and each pothole on the rain-damaged road was causing jolts of pain… As soon as I reached home I started vomiting again, right there in front of Parthy who had been quietly cleaning his motor-cycle out in the garden and got shocked and alarmed at seeing me in this state all of a sudden…

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