journal d'une transition

889

overwhelming. I keep quiet whenever I cannot agree, but I now feel some possibility of change, and of reaching a simpler solution, by calling for it; I find in Roger A some new receptivity; Catherine too is relieved to find him more willing and much simpler…

*17-11-1989, Auroville: I am grateful I have a work I can do all day, even if it rains, even if I am alone. It isn’t easy to do something creative at Matrimandir, with this sick “collective” – people’ moods and brittleness, their half-conscious habit of interfering, of being cynical, or righteous, or negative… These days I feel much energy and willingness, readiness, openness, but I must constantly put a brake on it and wait for others to be accommodated… *18-11-1989, Auroville: This morning Catherine and I worked with Roger A alone for over two hours, on details of the pillars, of the first level and the central staircase, and we made some nice progress. There is a still fragile thread, with Roger A’s new willingness, and I wish nothing heavy comes to interfere at this early stage… But the general “process” goes on, and we had another long meeting, later – perhaps the last of this series – to finalise the layers of organisation required so that Matrimandir can be completed harmoniously; there was more squabbling and pecking, but the format seems to be more evident: a Planning group, to study all the interrelated parts in detail and issue clear projects, ready for execution; a Management group responsible for the distribution of funds, labour and equipment and the coordination of the works; the Teams executing the projects. These three layers are to be interacting constantly. Thanks to Judith’s firm determination, this was finally accepted in principle, but has yet to be put into practice; and there are pitfalls on the way, depending on the attitude of each person concerned… I was listed as a member of the Planning group, despite Andy’s obvious reluctance – although he never said anything openly; I offered to withdraw, but the others insisted I must be on it. There’s a lot of work ahead of us. I don’t know. I tend to be impatient and to want to move on and get things manifested, without enough consideration for feelings; but there has been so much tamas and immobilism and petty warfare for so long… Still, I need to be very centred and watchful… … N sent me his wife, this evening, to ask for money and help; besides the filarial, he’s been bitten by a snake, and has got a cold and fever…! But what can I do? *19-11-1989, Auroville: Mathé, her daughter Elsa (a beautiful half-Arab girl of 13) and her friend, a young, sweet French fellow, came to visit; Elsa felt so familiar, I knew I would grow very fond of her if she were to stay; but all three of them are like three wonderful kids, still on a verge, happy with their way of life…

*21-11-1989, Auroville: I am getting scattered and confused. I feel I have let myself take on too many responsibilities which I cannot fulfil well enough; or else I haven’t been demanding