journal d'une transition

873

*27-8-1989, Auroville: Selvam is nearly done. I want to help him out, but I have to be more cautious. I don’t quite know how to go about it; there is my attachment to him, and there is a deeper movement between us, and there is too the obvious necessity to check him and hold him and be very firm with him, and there is the need to develop a balanced and free-growing relationship as well… I need this to be part of the central movement of concentration, rather than a pull away from it; at times it feels like it is possible, that it is happening; at other times, I find that it has gone off and gaps appear that are too enormous to be bridged or resolved… There is a question of time, too; being tied to him, can I afford going through relapses and slips in his own progress as well as mine? Yet, somehow, it feels right… *28-8-1989, Auroville: The country seems to be heading toward a confrontation between Centre and States. I reasoned Su out of trying to go to Madras a day earlier to receive Shera at the airport on Wednesday. We are trying to arrange for a message to be given Shera when she lands, and a room to be booked for her at the nearby hotel, so that Su can go there the day after… I had considered going there on the bike in the evening of Wednesday, but it may not be such a wise move, given the expectation of violence in the air… *29-8-1989, Auroville: What can I say? Who am I to pull anyone into an area of experience that, if I am to judge by the consequences it has on me, is no progress and no essential discovery…? But more than that weighs on me: there is this conditioning that acts on him, in him, this craving for status, to get to a higher standard than the one he came from… How can I let him go on indulging in this farce? I keep trying to let him see that it is what he IS and can BECOME that matters, provided that he cares enough… … I have become aware of a challenge that is most sensitive, even if kept away from most people; a challenge in the deepest and most radical sense, where and when love is to bridge and melt what nothing else can… *30-8-1989, Auroville: It is like wave after wave of unconscious denial, contradiction, or a dense absence of response… I do not want to fall into the trap of trying to change anyone’s nature, or even mine, at that! And it isn’t the point. The thing that I trust and believe in is the sharing that can happen between two people, through that quality of friendship; but, is it always so difficult?

31-8-1989, Auroville: Su had left before dawn and she returned with Shera at 2 pm and brought her straight to me: a robust woman, with a deep-seated heart, very sensitive and very direct… … Sometimes it amazes me how steadily, intensely and completely unhappy I can be! I have never heard of anything like that! It is a pain, or a sorrow, or a need