journal d'une transition

872

atmosphere, in material terms, with no water, no capital and no borders… It is madness, and yet here we are, because here You called…!

*23-8-1989, Auroville: I am in a foul temper, like the weather… I see the tamas, the lack of care, responsibility and commitment, the dishonesty that is now so spread that no one in particular can be found at it anymore… But mostly, I don’t know what to do, what position could be the right one, as regards Selvam… I fear that this cannot possibly work. Either he isn’t conscious enough, or else I do not have enough to give, to offer to it… I have moved too far out of life, and who would want to be with me in that transitional space…? Not even Su, if I asked for it, could find in it what she needs to live on… *25-8-1989, Auroville: Selvam has had to sell off his bike as well, in order to pay all his debts; he only told me about it when I pressed him hard and blew at him, and he had to see the choice looking him in the eye… But I also feel his inner being pushing, and I am as if part of it, and I cannot withdraw: I must make it! … I blew at Su too, today! It was about her dissembling, as regards her renewed involvement with Krishna; today only I had the outward occasion to let her know that I had been aware of it, and to show her that it was not the relationship that was a problem to me, but the duplicity… She cried, but she saw it… Be it for Matrimandir, or for friendship’ sake, given the general conditions, I understand that I must fight; that the time hasn’t come yet to let things be; that one’s participation is required… … Tonight Su came back to me, distressed, wanting a hug and comfort… She’s been saddened to realise what her attitude has been… I repeated to her that it is alright with me, that what I ask for is simplicity and transparency between us; that I do not mind her involvements… She relaxed… *26-8-1989, Auroville: Selvam had come early morning to have breakfast with us, and was waiting for me here when I returned from work after 1 pm. He still has two debts to pay. I hadn’t realised the extent of the mess he was in… I am now making sure that he does tell me everything, and all that was sowed in his past, little by little, comes up… … It is very odd: there have been floods all over the country, and nearly all the reservoirs of Tamil Nadu are now full; but in our district, almost no rain has come… I suppose it may be interesting to watch these phenomena with a subtle vision, and it is tempting to think that the attitude that prevails in Auroville is causing this depletion and isolation… but I never feel at ease with such simplistic conclusions… … Su’s friend Shera is due to arrive on Wednesday, the day of the All India Bandh called by mort of the opposition parties, and Su worries: the tension is building up and, as the politicians are fond to say, especially those who want Rajeev out, “the battle lines are drawn”… There isn’t much loyalty expressed towards Rajeev Gandhi at this point, or towards his party, the Congress I… And many of these opposition leaders are such pigs! The true people of India are nowhere to be seen; their time hasn’t yet come, perhaps, but… when will that be?