journal d'une transition

868

… When one opens so completely to another being and its realities, perhaps the hardest thing is to remain able not to obscure the perception and understanding of the other’s needs and rhythms with one’s own… In this case, Selvam’s development and mine – the conscious sums of his and of my experiences – are so far apart, that of a necessity it leads me to base our relationship on a level that is not mental at all… In a way, because I want to honour the sense of a team-work, I almost resent the capacities I have been given and would give up my own accesses so as to be level with him; yet there is a larger sense to our meeting too, of a joining and fusing of different levels of awareness, through love and trust… … Please, do not allow me to botch it; keep me balanced and patient, enable me to give what is needed, for what is needed: if out of this world of humanity such a love as I feel is there can become a living reality, then I believe it is profoundly redeeming and meaningful, and dissolves a huge amount of obscurity… … The meeting today was so dense, and tiring; people go on and on… Words are worn out to the rope! All mental attitudes are bankrupt. All exclusive attunements are bound to fail as well… There is only one way: to become integrally committed to what can, to what knows, to what loves, to what does, quietly, and egolessly… *6-8-1989, Auroville: Last night was restful, in the sense that it was taken up by an entirely different set of events and circumstances; when I slowly woke up, I was at a distance, and I surprised myself by feeling relief at not seeing Selvam this morning – being Sunday… I looked at that, and where it came from. And then, without any warning or transition, I got invaded again by the same longing and worrying… I am taking those notes as a discipline, because it relates to the part of this being that isn’t yet free. In a way I am glad that I am being immersed in it: I wouldn’t want to cheat, pretending that from above or from within I could change it… My understanding has for long been that each element is given “free choice”, as an absolute condition for a true and lasting change… However distressing it is to be shrunk or narrowed down to these movements and needs, I know it is part of my way, that it is worth it, and that it is guided… It isn’t that I wish to concentrate on the problem itself: that would merely be aggravating. But insofar as it comes and imposes itself, it must be faced and fully experienced… … Ar. and Ritam have returned in the night; I have yet to see them… *7-8-1989, Auroville: It’s like I am emotionally imploding. I don’t know what charge had been locked up in me for so long… I see it in so many ways… Like this morning, at breakfast, I tried the new cassette-player (which Ch.J has sent me through Ar.), and I played short pieces of Vivaldi, very delightful; and it was an almost unbearable array of emotions fusing out, each one distinct, giving way to the other and the next in a constant flow, each intensely itself, a reality onto itself… And then the cassette got stuck and broke…! I don’t know… This morning I found that I have lost my sapphire pendant, which I always wear on a chain on my chest – the sapphire stone that D.M gave me years ago… I looked for it here, but I may have lost it anywhere…