journal d'une transition

867

*1-8-1989, Auroville: Selvam and I worked happily. But the atmosphere is bad. Piero and Andy came to talk to me about the conflict around “Blossoming” (a “unit” formed at the Nursery to try and earn some funds for its maintenance and upkeep, under Stuart and Arjun), and of their morning session at Bharat Nivas with Stuart, Karel and Judith… What strikes me most, though, is the seeming absence of individual discipline in people here: the “wrongs” get merely carried over in another form; it is endless… … Every day the afternoon hours, 2 to 4 pm, are very heavy and uneasy; I don’t understand why it is so. Perhaps this explains the old custom of getting up before dawn and taking a longer afternoon nap; but practically it isn’t convenient… *2-8-1989, Auroville: I got myself deeply, awfully upset this morning. I lost all sense of perspective. What happened was that, yesterday, Selvam and I hadn’t been able to finish the new platform, and so there were still all the planks to move up first thing today, before we could start another row. I expected him to come at least a little earlier – he keeps saying he wants to discipline his life -, but instead he came even later than usual, and very carelessly. I snapped at him, with a little anger, that it wasn’t interesting to go on this way, that this wasn’t even a team… He was of course very sorry, but I was too upset to continue working; I wanted to cry for having talked that way to him, and I felt quite lost, as if the basis for our togetherness wasn’t there, and I can’t build it by myself, it must come from him as well… I also realised that the Chamber acts as an amplifier and what Narayana and Bhavani have been letting out in the past several days is lying in wait, ready to provoke an explosion at the least opportunity; it is nasty, and very strong… So I went out, and calmed myself. Selvam joined me and we could talk quietly, and we resumed our work after the tea-break… *4-8-1989, Auroville: Last night, around midnight, I had a bad experience: an energy suddenly clamped itself on me from behind, adapting itself like a skin slammed onto my back, and once more I was only able to come awake by shouting in my sleep… It is quite discouraging… *5-8-1989, Auroville: I am extremely confused, as if I had lost every bit of awareness that had slowly and tediously built up over the years… I am lost in a whirl of emotions, of the shallowest and narrowest type: wanting, jealousy, possessiveness… It blurs and supersedes everything else. But we can’t be shrunk beyond a certain point and I find humour in all this as well…! So one can smile and laugh and override these primeval currents… … This morning Selvam was at work in time and we did our work in the Chamber, and attended the meeting afterwards, without parting an inch from each other, and later we had lunch together here… … I suppose I had to experience what comes now to me, the whole alphabet of it, thoroughly, and I am aware that it is given me in the best possible conditions: this very old wound in me must be healed, and its elements permeated and transformed… It is at once a wonderful dream and a torment. I could “die” of it, or I could approach all life anew… I know that I must, I must trust, and offer…