journal d'une transition

856

like a disease, always ready to creep in, to dissociate, to aggravate, for which there seems to be no cure as long as each of us retains some allegiance to ego… … At the pillar, there isn’t much I myself can do at this stage, short of making a show of breaking stones or carrying mud with the team employed by Ramalingam, and getting blisters that will be no help in the marble-work… So I meditate on the Petals design, on some alternative structure around the sphere, on the discs design or an alternative to it, on and on… And this evening, while doing the asanas, I listened to the conversations of January 1970 on Matrimandir, and wondered once more what is to be done with Roger A’s architectural creations… What do You like, Mother? Truly, what do You like? I no longer have the conviction to say “no” to anything; and yet Roger A’s design, even when I accept it and seek practical ways to realise it, doesn’t reach the condition of peace and vastness that is inherent to Matrimandir: there’s too much will in it, and it is at once too specific and too spectacular… Help, Mother! With Selvam it is fluctuating; we have entered another phase, where adjustments are more frequent and we get to know more of each other’s life; I have this longing to make it worthwhile, to create a space of our own… And with Matrimandir, things tend to get very edgy; Mauna has now posted an open letter stating the reasons that led her to resign, and it is rather devastating for Arjun; Piero asked me to read it this morning and to tell him what I thought; I did what I could to stress a direction we could all take together as a commitment, rather than blaming anyone in particular for our difficulties to relate to one another… I see that Arjun too is the prisoner of his own rigidity and of the consequence of expressing them with much vital strength; but I don’t know really. Just as for the design, I still fail to see a way to break through all the formations. I keep searching, but I also sense that I am not yet at that point of need and consecration where I can no longer be mistaken or misled, where there can no longer come any deforming interference between Matrimandir and my own receptivity… *1-7-1989, Auroville: I had a very disturbing night. I had to repel whole processions of people clad in white but with an unclear, false intent, and I was holding a rod that was smouldering at its end; they didn’t pass. But later I found that another, more ordinary crowd had massed near the house, and it was connected to something N had done… I got up drained, and not looking forward to the day at Matrimandir… And the morning meeting was terrible. Piero insisted that Mauna’s letter must be read out; it had been translated in Tamil and many copies circulated. And then he demanded that Arjun must make a gesture of goodwill. I tried to call everyone’s attention to the real effort and commitment we could all make, instead of focussing on individuals, but Piero wouldn’t let go; he’d worked himself up so much that he too declared he was resigning, unless he got the assurance that he and his “collaborators” could work “in peace”, and this “poisonous atmosphere” was cleared; he called Arjun a “psychopath”, and Arjun called him I can’t remember what… It was quite sick; like a curse gaining strength the more one moves… The only good moment came when Selvam announced that he’d arranged for a Tamil teacher to come 5 evenings a week to teach a large group of the Matrimandir *30-6-1989, Auroville: I hadn’t been exposed to so much for a long time…