journal d'une transition

847

been in his recent actions, but the old contradiction of her life came up, and I became quiet… She left. And the rest of the morning I found myself sad and irritable, and became impatient at the sluggish pace we’re all contented to go, with this sort of cheap fatalism that is so close to inertia… … This evening Catherine and I took measurements for the work on the pillars, and figured out more details of the organisation of the space – such as where the people would leave their shoes, where they’d wash their feet… Something MUST happen at Matrimandir, so that we may pick up the thread of Your service… *23-5-1989, Auroville: I wish I could put myself at the service of a true force of evolution and progress, but… I guess I am not ready…! I don’t know… If at least there was some fire in the moments of the day, in people there; or if each one was trying, out of real need, to dispel the illusion that You are gone…! I feel so inadequate… *25-5-1989, Auroville: Shano came this evening and stayed on. He keeps asking me to let him move in here with me; this has been going on for nearly two years, but he has now begun to press more; I say that I want to live alone; so then, he says, let him build a small capsule over here, nearby, and do any work with me… I don’t know… *26-5-1989, Auroville: It is strange how Selvam has been insisting, slowly but with growing certainty, that I must help him to read and write, as a way for him to move beyond the limitedness of his present circumstances; I have from the beginning felt him to be an older being, and I have known him with a kind of inner joy; but the dearness that gets confirmed by our daily work together is also yielding some attraction, and I do not know what to do with it or about it… It is clear, though, that he wants to progress, and to come into his own… *27-5-1989, Auroville: Half of this morning went into a long meeting of nearly all of the Matrimandir workers. There are still all these accumulated tensions but there seems to be in most people a wanting to reach for another basis for the work which must be done and can only be done together… I felt quiet all through… But later, while at the Samadhi for a moment of rest and assimilation, I realised that this quietness I now feel is actually one consequence of having turned more wholly toward That, of having been enabled to open more concretely to It… And that I must not let the play of forces, through people and contacts, supersede that need and that opening. The situation seems to be a sort of impasse: mentally we do not have the means to “solve” it. Even with the best of goodwill, if there is no conscious anchoring to the new condition that is to come, we shall reach nowhere, not in human terms, nor materially… I am reluctant to put words on this, but it is so important…