journal d'une transition

827

*3-2-1989, Auroville: There was interference today in my opening and receptivity, and this was entirely due to my letting in a suggestion of desire and allowing it to drive; nothing dramatic, nothing “wrong”: just the ordinary cycle of physiological need; I have observed that it returns in a little less than a week’ time: something like every six days I have to cope directly with the pressure of this need, and I find no change at that level; whatever else I experience at other levels and in other ways makes no difference there; and if I try to impose a will on it, it just shifts into the night activities, and that’s all… I wish, though, that human society would be simpler about all this and makes less fuss over it…! *4-2-1989, Auroville: I am finishing the reading of a book that is a delight and impresses me a lot; it is so finely written, such an exquisite and accurate rendering of life, ordinary human life and experience, and it weaves an interesting story about the values of courage and self-giving versus cowardice and self-protection; it isn’t pretentious; it isn’t making use of any of the usual tricks, and it is a beautiful piece of art: “Ocean Front”, by Douglas Wallop. … Time goes very fast; one week is gone in a moment. Perhaps physical work, all day long, makes it move even faster… The weather is still wonderful, but there is anxiety growing in our area as wells are already going dry, since we’ve had no real monsoon to speak of… I am mulching all the young trees and plants; but, mainly, I trust that something of the Lord cares enough for the beauty we’re trying to establish here to protect it… This morning, in the middle of my clean-up, Y came, the sweet one; he is unhappy and working long hard hours to feed his entire family; he is married now and has a kid already, but he came for a hug and a caress, as he sometimes does, remembering what we had together. It was simple and tender and without any heaviness… It seems to me that I need the Force to open my awareness of what is meant to manifest at that level: what truth of Thy existence, what substance of the future being is to replace that set of energies and habits… If I could begin to tune in to that, it wouldn’t be an impasse any longer, nor would there remain the dry necessity of rejection and denial; there would be instead an adhesion to a truer state… It is only an impression and a sort of faith – a glimpse in the feeling -, but I believe there is, hidden behind the small round, a great treasure of rich giving, a solidity of Thee… *7-2-1989, Auroville: I am seeking the way. There seems to be the absolute necessity to find the Presence, and the new state of truth, in this “lower vital”, where the sex energies run, in order to move into the physical. Time is passing and, while that process concretely takes place, “time” means many years of a very short life in one body… *5-2-1989, Auroville: The laundry is done, the house is clean, and dinner is prepared for Su; the light is wondrous, so clear and vivid and tranquil… I haven’t won the battle with the rats, though!