journal d'une transition

819

Krishna this morning brought me two bottles of champagne! Ar. brought me a surprise gift, a very special photograph of Sri Aurobindo she’s had framed, his face and the top of his chest, resting in Samadhi on his bed… And earlier Su offered me a faceted crystal, to hang in the light…

*26-12-1988, Auroville: I spent the entire day here, and time ran twice as fast. All morning I went on pruning and cleaning in the garden and all afternoon I sorted out and cleared and re-organised old papers and just now I finished a big bonfire of it… But all through I had to struggle and strive to pull out from or undo the unreality that prevents me to be aware of the Presence and Its axis – barriers, or rigid orientations that are of my own making, re-built in the ignorance of energy… This is my goal now, my constant goal without a goal: to be aware of That and let it flow and be and do, to let It reveal the concreteness of Your way in all things, at all points and at every minute… *27-12-1988, Auroville: I had to refuse Krishna’s movement of bringing his electronic machine and to practice his music here; explaining to him why has sort of cleared up the two years of distance between us… … Kasinathan is sad to be at “Ravena” without me; I know it’s true, and I too miss him; he is such a sweet creature… He tells me that, now that I’m gone, Nar has assumed full ease and is acting bossy – which doesn’t surprise me…! *29-12-1988, Auroville: There is the psychological tension due to the pulls of these two relationships, with Su and with Ar. Because of that unease, I tend to withdraw and put up barriers in both directions, since I do not believe in the truth of declaring “this and not that”, of choosing one to the detriment of the other; I value each reality, in its place. But obviously, the way life goes, it creates a knot, rather than a widening… … I tend to be obsessed again with a desire for N, to hold him, to caress him, to let go with him; the only way I can be quiet about it is through gratitude before Thee. When I realise that this too Thou givest me, the strain of desire and its interference dissolves… I can do it, but I do not have to be prisoner of it… But it isn’t a steady realisation, it comes and goes… Late this morning, N did come to me, and we met quietly; there is sweetness and a home-feeling with him… *30-12-1988, Auroville: Suddenly this afternoon I just had to move. I cycled down to the ocean and stayed there a long time; there was a backlash and a struggle of ego-resistance, and then there was a wonderful, wonderful state, filled with gratitude and a clear, limpid sense of the way… You know… … Last night, among many other things, at once coming up to me was Diane, her eyes wide and her inner being intent on mine… Auragni wasn’t with her; it was so vivid that I almost expected it to happen in the day…