journal d'une transition

805

so he could talk to me… All the pent-up emotions, resentment, affection and fears came out, from deep inside him, and he soon felt better… N has eventually finished building the table and bench outside C’s house, so that everything is now ready for her arrival tomorrow… I had an encounter this morning with both Larry and Pala, regarding the full furnishing of “Ravena” so that it could accommodate 10 people, they say, for 2 years: an absurd proposition! But they apparently expect me to consider it as my work… *28-8-1988, Madras: I was given a bull of a driver: he went so fast that I reached the airport in time for a quiet lunch, in a freezing room overlooking the first mountain range… Early this morning, Krishna came to see me; he’d come several times already but hadn’t found me; he’s had heart-troubles lately – his heart stops now and then, and starts with a big thump; he’d tried to work on himself and find out what it is that stands in the way; he was worried that, living alone and isolated, no one would find him if something happened to him, and he wanted me to check on him every morning… Oddly – or perhaps naturally – the thought had come to me yesterday that we two should make a pact that, should one of us leave, the other would see to it that everything is done right…! We laughed about it… *29-8-1988, Auroville: C has brought many adorable gifts. And with her JY, my brother, sent an object which, charged with all the past and with JY’s own care and love and aspiration over many years, I am now to keep here: a statuette from ancient Egypt of a man adoring, kneeling on the ground, his arms outstretched on either side, his face lifted up slightly towards the light he sees and reveres and opens to, or to the person who incarnates it… I will share this always, and perhaps this too will help JY and I to share Your way in the physical… *30-8-1988, Auroville: I am unable to evolve out of this sense of constantly racing against time, day after day, night after night… Whichever way I try, to organise the activities, to concentrate, or to let go, it remains within the same circle: physical time is a prison, a snare, or else an illusion which is tied to all other illusions and ties the consciousness to the round of their mechanisms, ageing, disease, fear, insecurity and death, the inability to simply be, to perceive reality…

*31-8-1988, Auroville: Ramu came to meet me, confused: Jagdish died yesterday, of an entirely unexpected, abrupt heart-failure…

*1-9-1988, Auroville: These days I have so little time away from external relationships that I become easily confused: I do not yet find the right balance and receptivity, the capacity of physical silence – conscious silence in the physical consciousness – which would enable me to remain centred while letting the energies circulate and animate the