journal d'une transition

792

… I looked at all this from all the angles I could “think” of… And I also had to see that this acute, extreme disharmony came at once, within the last few days, including the aggravated tension with Ar.…

*10-5-1988, Auroville: There is a lot all the time for which I have no words, nor the desire to even find them… And this is why sometimes this journal-writing feels rather senseless… I have been wondering at an aspect of what has happened in the last several days; N’s troubles can also be seen as a sort of personal set-back for me, and it occurred on the 6 th of May, and last year C had fallen on that same day…: striking the ones that are close to me, striking me through them…? This is only one aspect, though, I know it well… *11-5-1988, Auroville: I was so tired during the night-watch, and while listening to John H on the present confusions at Matrimandir, I kept remembering what You have explained about the un-reality of these so-called physical sensations; and I still have a long way to go to disengage my consciousness from this language of sensations and symptoms… *12-5-1988, Auroville: I always feel very interested and concerned, by what is happening in Israel and Palestine… As if the resolution of this conflict had the inherent capacity of bringing things to the right step for the earth, while the continuation of lies and escapisms becomes more and more dangerous, for the earth… There seems to be much substance there… *13-5-1988, Auroville: Ar. wanted me to help her see more clearly, and to explain to her the nature of my relationship with Su; we talked; she quietened; enough to come and work with me… But I had already agreed that Su would meet me at the beach, after the work, and we would cycle back together, and didn’t tell Ar. about it; and of course she found out later, and there was another scene this evening… I do not understand how she can be so utterly helpless in the grip of these vital delusions; I have known those pains and obsessions, God knows, but somehow there was always a space within, even when the suffering felt unbearable, where I knew… … What is it? There are these two women who, each in her own way, are as given and trusting as can be asked of a woman… Yet I didn’t ask that, not in that way… With Su, it is more natural for me to be man and woman, it has its place inwardly and she finds her space in my being; with Ar. it is more like a sister, or a dependent, or a satellite; it has its inner truth but, in mental terms, it gets deformed and ambiguous… And neither one is the woman I could adore and celebrate… Su is more lucid, honest and courageous about her own affective wants and needs and that’s partly what makes it easier for me to spend time with her, to be natural with her… But toward both of them I raise walls, so that it doesn’t take over a physical daily space I need away from human interference…